Wednesday, November 26, 2014
What I saw defied logic, but there it was: It was a horrid landscape–a boiling sea of cranberry sauce with the bones of a thousand turkeys bobbing in it. Potato salad chunks fell from the sky like hail, and then it emerged through the purple fog–the poultrygeist itself! The Thanksgiving turkey had become possessed and hurled itself at me, but I slammed the fridge door just in time. I woke up the wife and kids and we high-tailed it into the car. We drove to her mother's house where we spent the night, barely speaking a word to each other of the spectacle we had just witnessed. Our family ate Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral that year…needless to say, we never returned to that house.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Aldi Baldies are a dangerous species of alien pet that use Aldi grocery stores as their stomping ground at night. Their alien masters beam them down to wreak havoc and gobble up off-brand twinkies (they also love Mama Cozzi pizzas, the cheapest frozen pizzas in the universe). Aldi Baldies are very agile and powerful for their size–plus they spit acid and wail like a banshee. Don't be caught in an Aldi parking lot after dark!