When A Lima Bean Becomes Sentient

When A Lima Bean Becomes Sentient

Every so often, a lima bean becomes sentient—proclaiming itself to have become a "lima being." Having gazed upon its own reflection, it is now set apart from its lima brethren—destined to ponder its place in the universe. Most experts blame GMOs for the emergence of this phenomena, but no definitive cause has yet bean identified.

The Math Tooter

The Math Tooter

In 2016, toy company Gasbro released a flatulence-focused educational aid called The Math Tooter. The aim was to sell a product that appealed to kids' fascination with toilet humor, while at the same time teaching them basic math skills. It was a small, jolly fat man dressed in graduation attire; when you squeezed him he would vocalize math problems, then end with various puns and fart noises.

While The Math Tooter was a hit with children, sales quickly tanked due to parents being turned off by the loud fart noises and lingering stench. Gasbro CEO Lenard Ripsworth had this to say about the toy: "We all thought The Math Tooter was hilarious, but somehow our designers had baked in the stench of farts into its rubber skin too well; it was stinking up people's houses something fierce. I guess the word eventually got out."

The following year, competing toy company Flattel released their answer to the The Math Tooter, The Farty Smarty.  It had internet connectivity and taught children simple programming, but sales were similarly lackluster. These days, both toys go for high prices on Ebay...but potential buyers should be advised about the odor.

The Sound Of French Fries: Halloween Edition 4

It's Halloween time.

That means more haiku, of course...

so sink your teeth in.

Derpetology

Derpetology: [dur-pi-tol-uh-gee] noun. 1. The branch of zoology concerned with mentally disabled reptiles and amphibians.

Where Did You Learn To Fry?

POV: It's 1993 and your Wendy's fries are undercooked.

Fiery Chicken Fries

Fiery Chicken Fries

Fiery Chicken Fries,

they're back again at BK.

Haven't had 'em in a while,

so I think I'll get 'em today.

There is some heat to them.

Yes, that much is clear...

but do they bring the flavor?

Well...not quite, I fear.

I found them kind of bland,

yet still, not bad at all...

although the ones I got

were burnt and kind of small.

At four bucks for an eight piece,

it's not a killer deal...

and I would need to get more

for it to be a meal.

They're alright I guess,

six out of ten from me...

Overall I'd say 

they're satisfactory.

Norboplotz

Norboplotz

I came up with a new word,

I made it just today.

That word is "Norboplotz!",

and it's quite fun to say.

What does it mean, you ask?

I haven't the slightest clue...

I just like to try it out

and see what people do.

I shout "Norboplotz!"

everywhere without a care.

I yell it all day at work,

and spin in my office chair.

I write it as graffiti

on the wall in the park.

I scream "Norboplotz!" at night,

which causes dogs to bark.

Of course, it makes people mad.

They think that I'm insane...

but it's just my way of rebelling

against the mundane.

C'mon, you should try it too!

Making new words is fun...

though if you shout them out loud,

you might get beat up a ton.