UFO Thoughts 5: Atomic Beagle Hat

You should be proud of your jeans, they bring you eternity!

Atomic Beagle Hat. I am original pliers, so let the cargo free.

…goggles on a roller coaster seat.

Ketchup is a responsibility--the most basic of needs.

How do you like your vision of cashmere?


Inquisitive primate, quit beating your own head. It's not my fault you have a parasite!

I'm at odds with a lot of things that a frog might do.

Madison just got a $12,000 nose job; I'll meet you at crazy in a few years.

…rock oven. Next time, eviscerate the latent camera. 

Mad ultrasonic, but the eggs were crispy.

Don't fillet the gorgon, you might end up with a kid's firetruck.

A pocket full of cloves makes the brain go numb.

50 Shades Of Grey Meat

From Patty Gris, the author of bestsellers A Tendon Runs Through It and The Bone Shard Chronicles comes 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, a veritable compendium of dark meat identification!

Blow the whistle on gristle with this "how to" guide that'll teach you everything you need to know about grey meat…including historical facts about the dark age of McDonalds in the 1980s, availability of breast to thigh ratios from KFC based on international surveys, and valuable knowledge by industry experts. "One way to identify grey meat chicken nuggets is to hold them up against a flashlight," says professor Ed Knorpel from the University Of Cluckington, Ohio. "A trained eye can tell by the subtle color differences. In the absence of a strong light source, you can always use the take-a-small-bite-and-spit-into-napkin approach."

With 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, you'll never mistakenly order dark meat again--or fall into the rib meat trap of grocery store brands. And that's not all…this special edition includes additional tools for spotting: An LED mini-flashlight, handy swatch cards, and gristle whistle!

New! Sticker & Magnets - July 2014

New bumper stickers / magnets are available at my CafePress shop. Give those tailgaters the snail treatment! Check out these experimental designs and more at www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Fast Food Faceoff: Burgers

Fast food commercials always portray their burgers as being juicy, fresh, and served on a fancy plate. What you really get is a sad, flat piece of crap in wax paper. The lettuce is old and has rot spots on it, and I'm pretty sure the rest is made of soy. Let's compare the commercial to reality, shall we?

Uncle Spam Wants YOU!

Uncle Spam wants YOU to eat more meat! Lettuce join the war on salad and do our part to serve up justice--thinly sliced and crispy! The path ahead is not cut and dry, it's a mystery of sticky unknowns and possibly bone shards. Together we will can hunger and preserve our children's future in a clear slime!

It's official, the new colors of the American flag are Red, White, Blue, and Pink (with dark purple speckle spots here and there)!

UFO Thoughts 4: The War On Salad

 "Dragon Dragon" is a new flavor of pudding that tastes like crocodile.

The war on salad never ends.

Exploding toasters have become a nuisance in Ireland. The first amendment says otherwise.

Bored yet? But we still have to find my rabbit, Pesco.

Limited monkey process the northern gate! Every October 17th, I like to use my neighbor's harmonica as a doorstop.


The eyeball has you. Don't forget to wipe your shoes!

Razors are sold in six packs because they're afraid someone might swallow them.

Ok, moving on to the next capri. Jerks.

Steadfast, men…this isn't going to be a normal breakfast!

Here we go again with the candlesticks. Is there any reprise?!

UFO Thoughts 3: Mars Or Somewhere

Codwell is the second most recipient of trousers.

Strange hut. Performing the internship ritual was nothing but a crammed, oblivious train worm.

Next rope to the hideous entropy. You bloated the plains grammar for the last time, buddy!

Mops are not my fault, seriously.

What's in that pouch? See you in the parking lot!

With her eyes fixed on the lantern, the almighty freeway is a conduit.

…sold muffins, but that isn't the whole story.

You suck, it's couch day. Can you stomach that?

Scream in a town, scream in a town--and then the wagon turned over.

Drinking fern juice is a surefire way to get a magenta headache.