Grocery Store Denizens: Aldi Baldie

Aldi Baldies are a dangerous species of alien pet that use Aldi grocery stores as their stomping ground at night. Their alien masters beam them down to wreak havoc and gobble up off-brand twinkies (they also love Mama Cozzi pizzas, the cheapest frozen pizzas in the universe). Aldi Baldies are very agile and powerful for their size–plus they spit acid and wail like a banshee. Don't be caught in an Aldi parking lot after dark!

Happy Halloween!

UFO Thoughts 7: Ham Legs

No, ham legs. No movement!

The scan lines were laughing, mocking me with discontent!

Aliens stole my dentures, they do it all the time.

I heard a banjo playing in my office the other day. It was coming from the trash can, but nothing was inside.


Tiny hat, tiny hat! Give yourself some applause!

I've grown accustomed to being a lute. Are you free Saturday night?

Youth!!! Sit down.

Never poke a pigsly…they're full of tickets, and not the good kind.

There's a lot of beverage, especially in the living room.

Watch out, a sneak face is behind you!

The shape of people's differences…is what they must overcome.

Problem is, the police have been offered the real thing. I go without.

First Zombie Of The Year

It's almost October,
and Halloween is near.
So here you go, people...
first zombie of the year!

UFO Thoughts 6: Delivery To Nowhere

The package was round, unshippable even. Its magnetic force was stronger than any of us had ever encountered at the post office. It came from another place.

…love letters to Mable, but who knows why?

Designer afros are a planned perkov.

The word "crumpet" is fun to say. I often whisper it to myself over and over. Some people make a hobby of it, aptly named "crumpet whispering".

It's nice to fly into a brick wall now and then. Clears the sinuses, you know.

Well, it tends to washcloth…I thought.

Broadway in a pan, although not my idea of a good sermon.

Choked by suspenders in the most obvious way, I was able to reach the glue before dirkfall.

Temperature drop, it's so interactive!

I should like to enjoy a fish-bought turntable.

Grocery Store Denizens: Kroger Ogre

Beware the Kroger Ogre! These massive monstrosities are the perfect stock employees for Kroger. They can lift heavy loads and reach high shelves with ease, although they do tend to crush some items accidentally (which accounts for those caved-in cereal boxes you see). Just don't ask them where the frozen pretzels are--they don't know.

Fast Food Faceoff: French Fries

French fries in fast food commercials are always shown standing erect and cooked to golden perfection. The reality is that you'll probably order a large and get screwed over by it being half full…and they'll be soggy and undercooked. Worst of all, sometimes you'll get a fry that tastes like rat shit (barf!).