Fat Pie / Ill Will Press

Just figured I'd take some time to promote one of my favorite comedy websites: Fat-Pie.com. There you can find lots of different hilarious videos by David Firth, most famous for his Salad Fingers, Burnt Face Man, Spoilsbury Toast Boy, and Drillbit Head series. I've found his stuff to be quite funny in a random and insane sort of way. Even though many of these shorts feature simplistic animation, the content can be rather explicit and dark...so you've been warned.

Also, check out Ill Will Press.com for more hilarious videos by Jonathan Ian Mathers. You may have seen his work featuring Foamy The Squirrel before (officially called "Neurotically Yours"), so here's his official website. He also does still comics and a couple of other funny projects. Check 'em out.

The Sandwich Under My Bed

I once went to someone's house and found a plate with a half-eaten sandwich under their bed. Were they too lazy to throw it out for some reason? Wouldn't it stink up the place eventually? Whatever...here's a poem about it.

The Sandwich Under My Bed

There's a sandwich under my bed--
it's been there for a week.
The bread is turning green,
and it's starting to reek.

I had taken just one bite,
and decided it was enough...
so I slid it under my bed
with all my other stuff.

The smell intensifies
with each passing day,
but somehow I keep forgetting
to throw that sandwich away.

The Wrong Burrito

The following short poem is based on a true story. A friend of mine was once given the wrong type of burrito with his to-go order at a fast food restaurant. He got all the way home before he found out, so he threw it against the wall in anger...where it remained for several minutes before sliding off.

The Wrong Burrito

They gave me the wrong burrito
at the Taco Shack.
I found out when I got home,
so I didn't take it back.

I tried to throw it in the trash
but my aiming was askew--
so now it's sliding down the wall,
leaving a trail of goo.

Lullabies For Goblins Price Drop

The paperback version of Lullabies For Goblins is now only $9.99 at Blurb.com. The hardcover dust-jacket version will remain at $24.99, however...as the base price for hardcovers is much higher. That's just how it is with print-on-demand books.

Shot Glasses Now Available

Drop shots 'til you barf with these 1.9 oz ceramic shot glasses, now available at my CafePress shop. They come in two colors: full white or white with black interior. Only several designs are available at the moment, but I'll be adding more soon. Check 'em out at http://www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Blob Fish Prayer

Perhaps you've seen the photo equivalent of this drawing floating around the web. It's a dead blob fish (Psychrolutes Marcidus), a real fish that lives in deep waters off the coast of Australia and Tasmania. Since it's been the victim of rampant Photoshopping, I figured it's time to pay our respects.

Blob Fish Prayer

Let's say a prayer
for our blob fish friend:
We hope you felt no pain
when you met your end.

As your spirit ascends
and your body deflates,
may heaven accept you
into it's pearly gates.

Amen...or Afish. Whichever you prefer.

Waffle House Wisdom: Part 2

Return for more training, have you? Remember these ways of the Waffle House, youngling...and ready to order from the adult menu, you will be.

"The Waffle House is everywhere. In the corners, in the shopping centers, off the highway exits...search but a mile and find one you will."

"Judge bacon by it's size, do you? Shrivel it does, during cooking."

"Chicken strips? French fries? A Waffle House customer cares not for these things, for they are the path to Huddle House."

"Covered in crumbs, the tables are. Wipe them yourself, you must...unless swatting flies you like."

"May the forks be with you. Clean forks we are hoping for, yes?"

"Tainted are Waffle House bathrooms. If #2 you must go, a butt cover on the toilet seat create."

"Diminished our ability to smoke has become. Even the older, fatter Waffle House employees must now go outside to light up."