First Zombie Of The Year

It's almost October,
and Halloween is near.
So here you go, people...
first zombie of the year!

UFO Thoughts 6: Delivery To Nowhere

The package was round, unshippable even. Its magnetic force was stronger than any of us had ever encountered at the post office. It came from another place.

…love letters to Mable, but who knows why?

Designer afros are a planned perkov.

The word "crumpet" is fun to say. I often whisper it to myself over and over. Some people make a hobby of it, aptly named "crumpet whispering".

It's nice to fly into a brick wall now and then. Clears the sinuses, you know.

Well, it tends to washcloth…I thought.

Broadway in a pan, although not my idea of a good sermon.

Choked by suspenders in the most obvious way, I was able to reach the glue before dirkfall.

Temperature drop, it's so interactive!

I should like to enjoy a fish-bought turntable.

Grocery Store Denizens: Kroger Ogre

Beware the Kroger Ogre! These massive monstrosities are the perfect stock employees for Kroger. They can lift heavy loads and reach high shelves with ease, although they do tend to crush some items accidentally (which accounts for those caved-in cereal boxes you see). Just don't ask them where the frozen pretzels are--they don't know.

Fast Food Faceoff: French Fries

French fries in fast food commercials are always shown standing erect and cooked to golden perfection. The reality is that you'll probably order a large and get screwed over by it being half full…and they'll be soggy and undercooked. Worst of all, sometimes you'll get a fry that tastes like rat shit (barf!).

UFO Thoughts 5: Atomic Beagle Hat

You should be proud of your jeans, they bring you eternity!

Atomic Beagle Hat. I am original pliers, so let the cargo free.

…goggles on a roller coaster seat.

Ketchup is a responsibility--the most basic of needs.

How do you like your vision of cashmere?


Inquisitive primate, quit beating your own head. It's not my fault you have a parasite!

I'm at odds with a lot of things that a frog might do.

Madison just got a $12,000 nose job; I'll meet you at crazy in a few years.

…rock oven. Next time, eviscerate the latent camera. 

Mad ultrasonic, but the eggs were crispy.

Don't fillet the gorgon, you might end up with a kid's firetruck.

A pocket full of cloves makes the brain go numb.

50 Shades Of Grey Meat

From Patty Gris, the author of bestsellers A Tendon Runs Through It and The Bone Shard Chronicles comes 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, a veritable compendium of dark meat identification!

Blow the whistle on gristle with this "how to" guide that'll teach you everything you need to know about grey meat…including historical facts about the dark age of McDonalds in the 1980s, availability of breast to thigh ratios from KFC based on international surveys, and valuable knowledge by industry experts. "One way to identify grey meat chicken nuggets is to hold them up against a flashlight," says professor Ed Knorpel from the University Of Cluckington, Ohio. "A trained eye can tell by the subtle color differences. In the absence of a strong light source, you can always use the take-a-small-bite-and-spit-into-napkin approach."

With 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, you'll never mistakenly order dark meat again--or fall into the rib meat trap of grocery store brands. And that's not all…this special edition includes additional tools for spotting: An LED mini-flashlight, handy swatch cards, and gristle whistle!

New! Sticker & Magnets - July 2014

New bumper stickers / magnets are available at my CafePress shop. Give those tailgaters the snail treatment! Check out these experimental designs and more at www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.