What Lurks In The Loch: Nessie Haiku

In the murky depths
of Loch Ness, a monster lurks–
they call it Nessie.

The explanations
vary from floating tree stumps
to overturned boats.

That long, snake-like neck…
do you think Nessie could be
a plesiosaur?

The "Surgeon's Photo"
has defined Nessie's image.
Too bad it's a hoax.

A bizarre bubbling
and splashing in the shadow
of Urquhart Castle.

Two of them surface...
now three, and now four of them:
gray humps in the loch.

"Loch Ness Monster found!"
claims grocery store tabloid.
Also, "Bat Boy lives!"

Rogue waves in the loch
under the right conditions
can make spooky shapes.

She might not exist,
but Nessie sure makes for good
tourist revenue.

Zombie Zen: Haiku Of The Dead

Everyone is dead,
but now they're moving somehow
and screaming for brains.

Damn, it's happening…
the zombie apocalypse!
Break out that shotgun!

There's only one way
to kill the undead for good:
shoot them in the head!

Boarded up windows
of my living room have some
gross hands prying in.

Most zombies are slow,
but some of them are runners–
don't let your guard down.

If you get bitten
by a zombie, it's over…
have a friend shoot you.

Overgrown graveyard:
trying not to step where the
hands are bursting up.

Zombies smell awful.
Their odor carries for miles.
That's your first warning.

As he crawls along,
the cut-in-half zombie leaves
a trail of organs.

Explosives are fun,
but don't get carried away...
grenades make crawlers.

Bite marks on my arm.
Before the first light of dawn
I too, will crave brains.

Plants Vs. Zombies:
not plausible in real life.
It's a fun game, though.

Fryday Haiku 2

I love KFC,
but every time I go there
my order is wrong.

Bird beaks, feet, and eyes...
such are the ingredients
of chicken nuggets.

Service with a smile!
The dull stare from the waitress
tells me otherwise.

Constipation cure:
eat anything from Taco Bell
and wait five minutes.

Got a Happy Meal.
Guess what? They forgot the toy.
More like Frowny Meal.

Bacon wrapped pizza:
cholesterol overload!
Should be illegal.

Don't eat at Wendy's.
Their slogan is "That's Better!"
but they're just as bad.

Old chicken nugget:
dog found it under the fridge.
Ate it, barfed it up.

GMOverload 2: Ice Scream

In July of 2123, a large shipment of ice cream was recalled by the Margie Moo company. The only explanation given was that there was a "quality control" issue, but a few consumers knew the whole truth. With incidents as early as May of that year, reports emerged of ice cream that would scream for mercy as it was about to be eaten!

It appears that human DNA had been introduced into several batches of artificial cow's milk–giving the ice cream human-like traits. The recalled shipments were supposedly dumped in a Florida landfill, where residents attest you can still hear it screaming. More outlandish claims say that the ice cream is bubbling together into anthropomorphic forms–even making tools and banding together into a small civilization.

Multi-Mouth Shark

Science has discovered a new, ultra-rare species of shark. Dubbed the Multi-Mouth, its distinguishing feature is that it has multiple jaws extending out of its main pie-hole. Experts are baffled as to why it needs this many sets of teeth, but they aren't too surprised. "Sure, why not?" says Karen Reefhugger, a marine biologist from the University Of Florida. "We know of other weird-ass sharks like the Helicoprion that had a buzz-saw for its lower jaw, and the Stethacanthus that had an ironing board for a dorsal fin. Sure, those are extinct...but just look at other modern day sharks like the hammerhead, megamouth, and frill shark! I wouldn't be surprised if a species showed up with a torpedo launcher on its back, honestly."

The Multi-Mouth prefers to feed on another rare species of shark–the Cyclopsian Troll Fish. Cyclopsians are prevalent in the deep ocean worldwide, albeit in small numbers (their lack of depth-perception makes them easy prey for predators). Alas, the Multi-Mouth may soon go extinct because of its picky eating habits...unless they evolve legs and move onto land, in which case politely guide them to the nearest Captain D's.

UFO Haiku: The Aliens Are Coming!

UFOs are real!
There's a worldwide cover-up.
The truth is out there!

What's that in the sky?
A flying disc with no sound–
then gone in a flash.

They're little grey men
who abduct people at night
for experiments.

Spiraling patterns
overnight in the wheat fields:
who or what made them?


UFO hoaxing
is easy, all you need is
a hubcap and string.

The government said
it was a weather balloon.
What a load of crap!

Orb crashing in lake
followed by a load rumbling
of helicopters.

City-wide blackout.
A shadow removes the stars.
It's the mothership!

Army trucks zoom by.
The one in the middle has
a tarped-over bell.

Space is infinite…
how could we be all alone?
Watch the skies for me.

Meditations On Roadkill

Possum in headlights.
I'm lining up my tires and...
Pow! A direct hit!

April thunderstorm
brings out the little froggies
to get squashed by cars.

As I mow the ditch,
blades clog momentarily…
then feathers blow out.

Little spring swallow
slams right into my windshield–
sliding down slowly.

I wasn't looking
when I backed down the driveway.
Now my cat is flat.

Chihuahua yapping–
and then a thud from the road.
Silence is golden!

Around and around
goes the frog on the bus tire–
less of it each time.

Stupid chipmunk, why
did you wait so long to run?
That truck got you good.