Friday, December 8, 2017

Holiday Horror Cinema


This week's feature presentations at Holiday Horror Cinema:

Poultrygeist 2: The Turkeying

Something in this house has gone afowl! Thanksgiving seemed the perfect time for Chuck Cluckington and his family to break in their new rural home, but there's more to the property than meets the eye. After encountering flying utensils and disembodied bird noises, the family discovers their humble abode was built upon the remnants of a turkey farm–where thousands of turkeys were slaughtered for Thanksgiving! The feathered phantoms have converged into one malevolent entity–a poultrygeist! Can the family find a way to put the avian entity to rest?

It Came From The Cranberry Swamp

From the critically acclaimed director of "Vampire Elves" and "The Mayhem Steamroller" comes a new foray into holiday horror! When a shipment of cranberry sauce gets derailed into a swamp, it fuses with the fetid waters and becomes a sentient, gelatinous creature. As it slides through the city swallowing everything in its path, authorities struggle to subdue the mass. One scientist may hold the key as he studies the leftover cranberry sauce from a previous shipment by the same company that caused the spill...

Deviled Eggs

While on a mission to a distant planet, hungry explorers discover a cache of mysterious eggs and fry them up out of desperation; they savor the unique taste and decide to share them with Earth. However, a volatile proton storm strikes on the way back home and the crew finds it has an electrifying effect on the odd ovums: they begin hatching into devilish, toothed horrors–ravenous for flesh! A brutal game of hide-and-seek begins as the crew are devoured one by one. WARNING: The end may not be what you'd eggspect! One thing's for sure, this won't be going over easy!

Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday Haiku


Thanksgiving? What's that?
Who needs turkey when you can
shop 'til your feet bleed?

Here's a few haiku to ponder over as you plow through the stinking hordes on Black Friday. May the sales be ever in your favor.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Friday, November 10, 2017

Rhymania: Observation In Alien Head Rotation


No need for elation...
this is just an observation,
a simple inspiration:
alien head rotation!

Spinning heads in space:
each with a warping face–
a different humanoid race.
Now are you keeping pace?

Don't let it hurt your head...
it'll bug you 'til you're dead
if you think into what I've said–
or study the words you read.

YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OF BREAD!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Mystery Carcass


Another collage preview from More Lullabies For Goblins...

The Mystery Carcass

It washed up on the shore
a couple of days ago...
but exactly what it is,
nobody seems to know.

It won't fit on any scale,
'cause it's bigger than a whale–
and no pulley, crane, or winch
can budge the thing an inch.

Some scientists arrive
wearing shiny coats;
they snap a ton of pictures
and write a bunch of notes.

They use their instruments
to poke and prod its skin,
and peel away the fat
to collect the guts within.

One of them exclaims,
"It must be an Architeuthis!"
"Nonsense!" says another,
"It's a Megalodon, you doofus!"

Before the seagulls eat it,
they collect every piece they can
and stuff it into a freezer
in the back of their van.

As they haul its body away,
not much is left for the flies...
except for a greasy puddle
and a couple of eyes.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Soupernatural


Hey kids, have you ever wanted to have a healthy dinner and contact the great beyond at the same time? Well, now you can! With Sphincter & Gimble's new Soupernatural™pasta in a can, anything is possible! Chat with mysterious specters as you gulp down meat chunks & delightfully-shaped creepypasta, all mixed into a nutritious ectoplasm broth! Your tastebuds with be possessed with flavor, guaranteed! Just heat and eat!

And for all you grown-ups out there, you're never too old to enjoy Soupernatural™! Got no one to eat dinner with? No problem! With Soupernatural™, deceased friends & relatives will keep you company as you chow down (and hey...if they don't want to hang out, who knows what interesting characters may show up?). Every dinner is an adventure with Soupernatural™!

Contains all-natural (and supernatural) ingredients: hydrogenated corn starch, mega-gluten, demonized wheat husk, ectoplasm, spider webs, salt, suffering spirits, paprika, dried cyclops tongues, lizard tails, troll noses, skin milk, ritualized sugar.

Disclaimer: Sphincter & Gimble makes no guarantee relatives will appear during consumption of this product. Soupernatural™ should be considered a ritual and may require the presence of a qualified priest in order to avoid possession. Sphincter & Gimble will not be held responsible for souls lost, teleportation to the astral plane, or prolonged harassment by inter-dimensional entities.

Now available in original or extra screamy!