Tuesday, July 3, 2018

K9-17 Bullpup Assault Rifle

K9-17 "The Big Dawg" Bullpup Rifle

Y'all need serious firepower? Then take a gander at the new .45 caliber K9-17 Bullpup Assault Rifle, known in these parts as the "Big Dawg." Squirrels givin' you a ruff time? This hoss will splatter them critters good. Hogzilla eatin' all yer cabbage? It'll kill that dead too, I tell you what. And of course it's 100% made in 'Murica, baby! Yeehaw! Now you've got a dawg in this fight!

Now available at Curbela's, yer neighborhood friendly death dispensary!

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Haiku Review: Pretzel Chicken Fries

Pretzel chicken fries:
Burger King's new greasy trap!
9 piece for 3 bucks.

I'm a bit at odds...
pretzel as chicken breading?
Weird, but I'll try it.

Salty and crispy.
The pretzel taste is masked since
it's been fried to hell.

When I got mine, it
wasn't really a 9 piece...
more like tons of crumbs.

Thick pretzel coating.
Slinky chicken cuts, but good.
Not bad, Burger King.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Poison Scone

Poison Scone (aka Sconed To Death)

A thought occurred to me when I was alone,
that I could cook a poison scone
 and feed it to someone I hate.
Hey, wouldn't that be great?

I could take them out in one fell swoop;
they wouldn't have a chance to poop
before they puked out all their guts...
but now you probably think I'm nuts.

Before you label me insane,
just run it through your puny brain...
how good it would be to smite a foe
with just a frosted ball of dough!

Cyanide is all it would take...
mix it in and then you bake.
And when it's done you can serve it with tea,
and laugh to yourself maniacally!

Then after your victim starts to gag,
you can stuff them in a body bag
and roll them down a steep ravine
so they won't be heard or seen!

It's not such a bad way to go
if you think about it, you know?
To choke upon a deadly treat...
revenge has never been so sweet!

Monday, June 11, 2018

The Sound Of French Fries 5

The fryer's warmed up...
are you ready for some more
deep fried haiku poems?

This is the 5th video in my "The Sound Of French Fries" video series, featuring narrated haiku poems about fast food set to relaxing zen music. No fast food joint is safe, the gauntlet is off!

Thursday, June 7, 2018


I tried Popeye's fries.
They're peppery like Checkers.
Greasy, but still good.

Popeye's chicken: yum!
Chickens descend from T-Rex.
A spicy revenge!

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Friday, May 18, 2018

MLFG Preview: Where Have All The Monsters Gone?

One more preview from my upcoming book, More Lullabies For Goblins...

Where Have All The Monsters Gone?

Where have all the monsters gone
that lived in days gone by?
We're told they went extinct,
but nobody knows why.

Is an asteroid from space
the cause of their tragic fate?
Or was it climate change?
It's still open for debate.

The animals of today
are comparatively dull.
I want to see something huge
with horns coming out of its skull!

Oh, where have all the monsters gone...
the ones with the gaping jaws
and the dangling necks
that defy nature's laws?

Do not lament their passing,
for some have eluded death.
In the cloudiest lakes and jungles
their ancestors draw breath.

So have your camera ready,
and never let down your guard.
For someday you might find
a monster in your backyard!