Thursday, November 16, 2017

Friday, November 10, 2017

Rhymania: Observation In Alien Head Rotation


No need for elation...
this is just an observation,
a simple inspiration:
alien head rotation!

Spinning heads in space:
each with a warping face–
a different humanoid race.
Now are you keeping pace?

Don't let it hurt your head...
it'll bug you 'til you're dead
if you think into what I've said–
or study the words you read.

YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OF BREAD!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Mystery Carcass


Another collage preview from More Lullabies For Goblins...

The Mystery Carcass

It washed up on the shore
a couple of days ago...
but exactly what it is,
nobody seems to know.

It won't fit on any scale,
'cause it's bigger than a whale–
and no pulley, crane, or winch
can budge the thing an inch.

Some scientists arrive
wearing shiny coats;
they snap a ton of pictures
and write a bunch of notes.

They use their instruments
to poke and prod its skin,
and peel away the fat
to collect the guts within.

One of them exclaims,
"It must be an Architeuthis!"
"Nonsense!" says another,
"It's a Megalodon, you doofus!"

Before the seagulls eat it,
they collect every piece they can
and stuff it into a freezer
in the back of their van.

As they haul its body away,
not much is left for the flies...
except for a greasy puddle
and a couple of eyes.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Soupernatural


Hey kids, have you ever wanted to have a healthy dinner and contact the great beyond at the same time? Well, now you can! With Sphincter & Gimble's new Soupernatural™pasta in a can, anything is possible! Chat with mysterious specters as you gulp down meat chunks & delightfully-shaped creepypasta, all mixed into a nutritious ectoplasm broth! Your tastebuds with be possessed with flavor, guaranteed! Just heat and eat!

And for all you grown-ups out there, you're never too old to enjoy Soupernatural™! Got no one to eat dinner with? No problem! With Soupernatural™, deceased friends & relatives will keep you company as you chow down (and hey...if they don't want to hang out, who knows what interesting characters may show up?). Every dinner is an adventure with Soupernatural™!

Contains all-natural (and supernatural) ingredients: hydrogenated corn starch, mega-gluten, demonized wheat husk, ectoplasm, spider webs, salt, suffering spirits, paprika, dried cyclops tongues, lizard tails, troll noses, skin milk, ritualized sugar.

Disclaimer: Sphincter & Gimble makes no guarantee relatives will appear during consumption of this product. Soupernatural™ should be considered a ritual and may require the presence of a qualified priest in order to avoid possession. Sphincter & Gimble will not be held responsible for souls lost, teleportation to the astral plane, or prolonged harassment by inter-dimensional entities.

Now available in original or extra screamy!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Naked Egg Taco = Barf


Naked Egg Taco?
You gross me out, Taco Bell.
Grease wrapped in grease. Yuck.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Hooray For The Grey!


Here's a preview from my upcoming book, Lullabies For Goblins Vol. 2...

Hooray For The Grey!

I've seen what people do–
they hook my friends with bait
and drag them to the surface
off to a cruel fate!

Stuffed in metal cans
they leave these sandy shores
to be wrapped in plastic
and sold in human stores.

But I'm safe from human hands–
quite sure of it, I am!
You won't find a piece of me
inside a can of Splam!

Oh, you're wondering why?
Alright, I suppose I'll say.
It's because their meat is white
and mine is stringy and grey.

Hooray for the grey!
They can't eat me!
While everyone fries in lard,
I'll be laughing in the sea!

Hooray for the grey!
'Cause my meat is as dark as the night!
One taste and you'll spit me out–
I dare you to take a bite!

Although it's still possible
I'll hit a propeller one day,
I'm safe from the nets at least...
so hooray for the grey, I say!

Hooray! Hooray!