Friday, May 5, 2017

Cinco De Mayo: Where Mayonnaise Comes From


It's Cinco De Mayo, so here's a preview poem from my next book, More Lullabies For Goblins.

Where Mayonnaise Comes From

Where does mayonnaise come from?
I know where it does...
it comes from a creature called a Dromit:
it has white skin and purple fuzz.

It lives on the planet Mars–
they have farms of them all around
where they're kept in secret bases
deep in the underground.

Mucus is squeezed from their noses
with specialized, pressurized hoses...
then it's packaged in various ways
and labeled as "Mayonnaise."

So next time you eat a burger,
remember to thank the Dromit.
Hold your nose while scarfing it down,
and try your best not to vomit!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

UFO Thoughts: Today Is Darker


UFO Thoughts:
words out of the blue!
Not intended to rhyme,
but sometimes they do!

Today is darker; do you have any envelopes?

I ate a pie off the ground to celebrate!

It's a requirement, so pack your bags and head for the genuinely porked maple facility.

Gene trap! Hey, here's ta-claim?

...standard alliance. Always in the corner is a goat's head.

They will not understand an ivory pigeon, but food for thought!

1st place was "Assault On Cookieville."

You are part of a jump-fed cactus!

Never be a lever...ever!

When the world that already was...just because.

...the horses with a hand-held.

So, ate all the rice? Now pay the price!

You bring my notebook and my airlines fun!

There ain't no jellybeans on this side of the British Isles.

Have a great time at the minx refinery!

...to never be a cat bus. Wood lice?

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Donut Haiku


More haiku for you!
Still about greasy fast food –
but this time donuts!

Rise and shine with Donut Haiku: narrated zen poems inspired by those irresistibly greasy breakfast pastries.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Prepear Yourself: Exhibit 3


As "Prepear Yourself" month at the Pretentia art museum continues, we're proud to pearsent another sneak peek from the exhibit. Pearapsychology is a popular addition, focusing on the psychic abilities of the human mind as seen from a unique pearspective.

Pearafin is an interesting piece as well, featuring candles made out of a pear-based wax invented by the artist. And of course there's the crowd favorite, Pearasite, a genetically-engineered blood-sucking fruit terror from hell (let's just hope it doesn't escape).

Don't miss your chance to see the "Prepare Yourself" exhibit–it's the pearfect way to spend the weekend...but it's only on display until April 24th!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Metroid Genesis Anniversary!


23 years ago today, Super Metroid debuted on the Sega Genesis. It redefined the action/platformer genre with it's intuitive map system, exploratory gameplay, and the best usage of blast processing yet seen on a home console. Due to an overabundance of awesomeness, it utilized a 40 Meg cartridge which inflated the retail price to around $100...but nobody cared because it was freakin' sick!

GamePro magazine gave Super Metroid a respectable score of 82/100, but criticized its murky color palette and sub-par soundtrack. "It's a shame Super Metroid couldn't have debuted on slightly more powerful hardware," says GamePro editor Dexter Nerdsfeld. "Maybe then the music wouldn't have sounded like bees fighting in a tin can."

Despite pitiful sales figures and mediocre reviews from some outlets, Super Metroid is still recognized as a landmark title in the gaming industry–and certainly a must-own on the Genesis console. Metroid remains one of Sega's best-selling franchises to this day.

It's Cobblerin' Time!


When Thing has pie...IT'S COBBLERIN' TIME!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Prepear Yourself: Exhibit 2


Here we see a few highlights from the Prepear Yourself art exhibit. In addition to paintings and sculptures by the artist, a few other attractions are present...such as the Pearrot, a genetically-engineered creature made from the cells of a pear and a parrot. Genius!

The organism itself is a bit tempearamental, but is no doubt a breakthrough in genetic research. "How the artist FrOoT was able to produce a stable organism from fruit and bird cells is astounding," says geneticist Krueger Splicealot. "I observed the Pearrot myself, and can attest that it's a thriving, viable creature–it didn't explode or melt into an organic sludge one bit! Granted, it makes a mess defecating everywhere...and it ate my wife's finger when she tried to feed it, but that's art for you."

The Prepear Yourself exhibit is on display in Atlanta at the Pretentia museum until April 24.