Thursday, June 22, 2017

Cactus Haiku



Yes, cactus haiku...
a batch of prickly poems for
your viewing pleasure.

Just a few cactus-themed zen poems. Visit my official YouTube channel for even more humorous haiku.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Friday, June 2, 2017

InsaniTea


InsaniTea

I found some special tea,
it came from a shady place.
The guy I got it from was green–
maybe from outer space.

So when I took it home,
I brewed it in the pot...
it gave off a funky smell
and started to smoke a lot.

After I let it cool,
I bravely had a taste.
It was good, I drank it all–
gulped it down with haste.

But now I'm feeling weird,
I think I drank too much.
I'm seeing peculiar things...
checkered patterns and such.

Everything is purple,
the walls are turning wavy.
Flying snakes appear,
my legs–they feel like gravy!

The ceiling's caving in,
chairs are walking around.
I feel like I'm gonna fall,
but which way is the ground?

I think I'll stay in tonight–
I shouldn't be on the road.
So I'll just chill on the couch
and talk to this 3-eyed toad.

Monday, May 29, 2017

The Aliens Are Coming 3 (Alien Haiku)


More alien poems...
UF'Oh no you didn't!
Deal with it, humans.

This is the third video in my "The Aliens Are Coming" series, featuring narrated haiku poems about those little grey weirdos from space. This entry is narrated by agent "Albatross", a former CIA operative; his voice has been distorted to conceal his identity.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Cinco De Mayo: Where Mayonnaise Comes From


It's Cinco De Mayo, so here's a preview poem from my next book, More Lullabies For Goblins.

Where Mayonnaise Comes From

Where does mayonnaise come from?
I know where it does...
it comes from a creature called a Dromit:
it has white skin and purple fuzz.

It lives on the planet Mars–
they have farms of them all around
where they're kept in secret bases
deep in the underground.

Mucus is squeezed from their noses
with specialized, pressurized hoses...
then it's packaged in various ways
and labeled as "Mayonnaise."

So next time you eat a burger,
remember to thank the Dromit.
Hold your nose while scarfing it down,
and try your best not to vomit!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

UFO Thoughts: Today Is Darker


UFO Thoughts:
words out of the blue!
Not intended to rhyme,
but sometimes they do!

Today is darker; do you have any envelopes?

I ate a pie off the ground to celebrate!

It's a requirement, so pack your bags and head for the genuinely porked maple facility.

Gene trap! Hey, here's ta-claim?

...standard alliance. Always in the corner is a goat's head.

They will not understand an ivory pigeon, but food for thought!

1st place was "Assault On Cookieville."

You are part of a jump-fed cactus!

Never be a lever...ever!

When the world that already was...just because.

...the horses with a hand-held.

So, ate all the rice? Now pay the price!

You bring my notebook and my airlines fun!

There ain't no jellybeans on this side of the British Isles.

Have a great time at the minx refinery!

...to never be a cat bus. Wood lice?