Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Haiku For Slugs Preview

Here's a preview of Haiku For Slugs (preview is 55 pages, entire book is 162 pages). Ignore the contrasting colors on the cover, it prints as one uniform black. This preview widget uses Abode Flash and may not appear on mobile devices.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Haiku For Slugs is now available!

My second book, Haiku For Slugs, is now available at www.blurb.com for $9.99!

What do slugs, roadkill, zombies, and fast food have in common? They're all great topics for haiku, of course! Haiku For Slugs takes the fine art of Japanese poetry and pours a bucket of slime all over it! Even Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster have nowhere to hide from the 17 syllable madness! Meditate on these twisted topics and more with Haiku For Slugs!

Full Section Listing:

Don't Step On That Slug
Something Smells Fishy
Meditations On Roadkill
Deformities Among Us
The Aliens Are Coming
Searching For Sasquatch
What Lurks In The Loch
Zombie Zen Poetry
The Sound Of French Fries
Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding

NOTE: This book contains material that may not be suitable for children…such as occasional profanity, violence, and mature themes.

Check it out from this link: http://www.blurb.com/b/6647472-haiku-for-slugs.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Pizza Haiku 2

Pac-Man was inspired
by a missing pizza slice.
No really, it's true!

Domino's pizza
in 30 minutes or less
caused lots of car wrecks.

Papa John's thin crust
always comes with a spice pack.
Who decides these things?

Pizza Hut now has
10 new crust variations...
and all of them suck.

Remember The Noid?
If not, you're under 30.
Just Google it, kid.

New menu item:
Papa John's Frito pizza!
What fresh hell is this?

Garlic knot breadsticks:
good for deterring vampires,
otherwise pointless.

No tomato sauce.
Used barbecue sauce instead.
Worst. Pizza. Ever.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Crushed Squirrel Peanut Butter!

Hey kids, do you like peanut butter? Shut up, of course you do. And everybody loves fluffy little squirrels, right? Then why not try our ALL NEW Crushed Squirrel Peanut Butter? Squirrels really love nuts...it's hard to separate the two, so why even try? That's right, we at the Schmuckers company ground those pesky tree rats into our peanut butter recipe, and the result is divine!

Try Crushed Squirrel Peanut Butter in 4 different styles: smooth, furry, bloody, and extra chunky. Put it on a jellyfish sandwich for some extra sting, or slather it on french flies to give 'em that signature roadkill taste! One spoonful and you'll GO NUTS for the swirly, squirrelly goodness! Now available at a grossery store near you!

And while you're at it, pick up a pack of Schmuckers brand Chocolate Chipmunk Cookies™ as well! Dip 'em in Crushed Squirrel Peanut Butter!

(original Crushed Squirrel Peanut Butter idea by Mary & Harvey Olsen)

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Zombie Zen: Haiku Of The Dead 2

Street lights flickering.
Ghoulish moans from the alley
and shuffling footsteps.

Don't call them zombies–
it's more polite to call them
the living impaired.

The outbreak spread fast–
just one night of zombies for
total anarchy.

Zombie heads go splat
with my twenty-two rifle
until it jams up.

If they surround you,
there's no way to get past them:
walls of rotten teeth.

I hate zombie dogs–
being zombified doesn't
slow them down any.

He's remembering:
that one zombie in the crowd
who picks up a gun.

They prefer fresh brains,
but if they get desperate
they'll eat each other.

Lock and load, zombies–
my brains aren't on the menu.
Eat bullets instead!

They found a way in:
zombies jumping down chimney.
Should've made a fire.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Calzone / Killzone

killzone (kil-zohn):

Definition: 1. A bubbling calzone packed with 10 different cheeses, meats, and other artery clogging ingredients. 2. A sentient calzone with deadly intent, possibly possessed or controlled by magical means. 3. An assassin wearing a calzone suit (hands out coupons outside of an Italian restaurant until their target arrives).

Example: Pizza Shack's "Ultimate Meat-splosion Wrap" is loaded with saturated fat. It's really more of a killzone than a calzone.

See also: killzonae (alternate spelling and pronunciation), deathwrap, snot pocket.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding

Great, I'm going bald
and I'm not even forty.
Might as well shave it.

There's another one...
an angry business man with
a sad comb over.

Receding hairline:
I'd better not go bald or
there'll be hell toupee!

I'm losing my hair.
Some women like a bald guy,
but most of them don't.

When I hit thirty,
I quickly lost all my hair...
just call me Cue Ball.

The "baldness demon"
dances on my head nightly–
stomping out my hair.

How come old rock stars
still have really long black hair?
Has to be a wig.

Male pattern baldness:
it's bound to happen if it's

No hairpiece for me.
I think I'd rather be bald
than in denial.

Slowly getting fat.
Hairline is receding fast.
Damn, being old sucks!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


weirdough (weer-doh):

Definition: 1. A pastry or bread product made sentient by genetic manipulation or sorcery. 2. A strangely shaped donut, strudel, ect.

Example: The Burnsvery Bread Boy is a weirdough. He may appear to be a lovable scamp that helps you in the kitchen, but he's just as liable to bite your fingers off.

See also: hybread, the unbread, the unwholey (for weirdoughs NOT made from whole wheat).

Friday, September 11, 2015

Pizza Haiku!

Every friday I
get Little Caesar's pizza–
you can't beat five bucks!

I like Pizza Hut,
but I certainly could do
with less orange grease.

Bland and uninspired:
Domino's pizza tastes like
the box it comes in.

Chuck E Cheese doesn't
have arcade games anymore–
just gambling for kids.

Papa John's is great!
Better ingredients does
make better pizza!

Super-salty crust:
it's not the Noid's fault this time.
For shame, Domino's!

Papa John's hand-tossed
comes with a shriveled pepper.
What is it there for?

Constant smell of barf
at Cici's Pizza buffet...
and the floor squishes.

Earth to Domino's:
loading your crust with spices
doesn't make it new.

Hot dogs and pizza
aren't meant to go together–
stop it, Pizza Hut!

Monday, August 31, 2015

What Lurks In The Loch: Nessie Haiku

In the murky depths
of Loch Ness, a monster lurks–
they call it Nessie.

The explanations
vary from floating tree stumps
to overturned boats.

That long, snake-like neck…
do you think Nessie could be
a plesiosaur?

The "Surgeon's Photo"
has defined Nessie's image.
Too bad it's a hoax.

A bizarre bubbling
and splashing in the shadow
of Urquhart Castle.

Two of them surface...
now three, and now four of them:
gray humps in the loch.

"Loch Ness Monster found!"
claims grocery store tabloid.
Also, "Bat Boy lives!"

Rogue waves in the loch
under the right conditions
can make spooky shapes.

She might not exist,
but Nessie sure makes for good
tourist revenue.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Zombie Zen: Haiku Of The Dead

Everyone is dead,
but now they're moving somehow
and screaming for brains.

Damn, it's happening…
the zombie apocalypse!
Break out that shotgun!

There's only one way
to kill the undead for good:
shoot them in the head!

Boarded up windows
of my living room have some
gross hands prying in.

Most zombies are slow,
but some of them are runners–
don't let your guard down.

If you get bitten
by a zombie, it's over…
have a friend shoot you.

Overgrown graveyard:
trying not to step where the
hands are bursting up.

Zombies smell awful.
Their odor carries for miles.
That's your first warning.

As he crawls along,
the cut-in-half zombie leaves
a trail of organs.

Explosives are fun,
but don't get carried away...
grenades make crawlers.

Bite marks on my arm.
Before the first light of dawn
I too, will crave brains.

Plants Vs. Zombies:
not plausible in real life.
It's a fun game, though.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Fryday Haiku 2

I love KFC,
but every time I go there
my order is wrong.

Bird beaks, feet, and eyes...
such are the ingredients
of chicken nuggets.

Service with a smile!
The dull stare from the waitress
tells me otherwise.

Constipation cure:
eat anything from Taco Bell
and wait five minutes.

Got a Happy Meal.
Guess what? They forgot the toy.
More like Frowny Meal.

Bacon wrapped pizza:
cholesterol overload!
Should be illegal.

Don't eat at Wendy's.
Their slogan is "That's Better!"
but they're just as bad.

Old chicken nugget:
dog found it under the fridge.
Ate it, barfed it up.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

GMOverload 2: Ice Scream

In July of 2123, a large shipment of ice cream was recalled by the Margie Moo company. The only explanation given was that there was a "quality control" issue, but a few consumers knew the whole truth. With incidents as early as May of that year, reports emerged of ice cream that would scream for mercy as it was about to be eaten!

It appears that human DNA had been introduced into several batches of artificial cow's milk–giving the ice cream human-like traits. The recalled shipments were supposedly dumped in a Florida landfill, where residents attest you can still hear it screaming. More outlandish claims say that the ice cream is bubbling together into anthropomorphic forms–even making tools and banding together into a small civilization.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Multi-Mouth Shark

Science has discovered a new, ultra-rare species of shark. Dubbed the Multi-Mouth, its distinguishing feature is that it has multiple jaws extending out of its main pie-hole. Experts are baffled as to why it needs this many sets of teeth, but they aren't too surprised. "Sure, why not?" says Karen Reefhugger, a marine biologist from the University Of Florida. "We know of other weird-ass sharks like the Helicoprion that had a buzz-saw for its lower jaw, and the Stethacanthus that had an ironing board for a dorsal fin. Sure, those are extinct...but just look at other modern day sharks like the hammerhead, megamouth, and frill shark! I wouldn't be surprised if a species showed up with a torpedo launcher on its back, honestly."

The Multi-Mouth prefers to feed on another rare species of shark–the Cyclopsian Troll Fish. Cyclopsians are prevalent in the deep ocean worldwide, albeit in small numbers (their lack of depth-perception makes them easy prey for predators). Alas, the Multi-Mouth may soon go extinct because of its picky eating habits...unless they evolve legs and move onto land, in which case politely guide them to the nearest Captain D's.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

UFO Haiku: The Aliens Are Coming!

UFOs are real!
There's a worldwide cover-up.
The truth is out there!

What's that in the sky?
A flying disc with no sound–
then gone in a flash.

They're little grey men
who abduct people at night
for experiments.

Spiraling patterns
overnight in the wheat fields:
who or what made them?

UFO hoaxing
is easy, all you need is
a hubcap and string.

The government said
it was a weather balloon.
What a load of crap!

Orb crashing in lake
followed by a load rumbling
of helicopters.

City-wide blackout.
A shadow removes the stars.
It's the mothership!

Army trucks zoom by.
The one in the middle has
a tarped-over bell.

Space is infinite…
how could we be all alone?
Watch the skies for me.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Meditations On Roadkill

Possum in headlights.
I'm lining up my tires and...
Pow! A direct hit!

April thunderstorm
brings out the little froggies
to get squashed by cars.

As I mow the ditch,
blades clog momentarily…
then feathers blow out.

Little spring swallow
slams right into my windshield–
sliding down slowly.

I wasn't looking
when I backed down the driveway.
Now my cat is flat.

Chihuahua yapping–
and then a thud from the road.
Silence is golden!

Around and around
goes the frog on the bus tire–
less of it each time.

Stupid chipmunk, why
did you wait so long to run?
That truck got you good.

Thursday, June 25, 2015


The year was 2155. Rampant use of Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs) began to manifest itself in strange ways. The addition of shark DNA was supposed to make produce items more healthy to eat; instead it made them bigger, smarter, and more mobile. Farmers weren't prepared for their crops growing teeth and marching against them. In a bloody revolt, the veracious veggies began taking back the land. The fruitpocalypse had begun, and now we were the ones on the menu!

Friday, June 12, 2015

Fryday Haiku

Burger and french fries…
an American classic.
Greasy to the max!

At drive-thru speaker
but no one is answering:
dumbass teenagers.

Hardee's employees
aren't trained to enter coupons–
don't even bother.

Burger King french fries
taste vaguely like motor oil…
yet I still eat them.

Pretzel crust pizza
with a cheddar cheese sauce:
the thought makes me gag.

I keep telling them
extra fries instead of slaw–
and still they forget.

Zaxby's does it right.
Excellent food and service...
uh, most of the time.

Breakfast at Arby's.
Found a roach in my hashbrown.
I smell a lawsuit!

Giraffe Necks Be So Long

Stop being so long, giraffe necks. You're doin' it wrong.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Larva Lamp!

Hippies unite! It's the official Larva Lamp! Available for the first time to Earthlings, it's THE original psychedelic light source! Bask in the trippy glow of the Neptunian Ice Beetle as it squirms in its cryotube. Marvel as it morphs through every grotesque larval stage–eventually emerging as an unstoppable minion of chaos! Incubation takes a few Earth years, so sit back and enjoy the groovy colors until then (LSD not included).

Neptunian Ice Beetles are ferocious but loyal. Feed it a steady diet of Earth rats twice a day and it'll become a fierce friend to be reckoned with! Upon reaching adulthood, it'll need at least a 10 mile radius to roam around in and a few cows a day for sustenance…but that's your problem, so we don't care. All hail Blorktahr, overlord of superior products! End transmission!

Friday, May 29, 2015

Saturday, May 16, 2015

New Bumper Stickers: May 2015

I put up a few more bumper stickers / magnets on my CafePress site. Check out these wacky designs and more at the usual spot: www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Wendy's Quantum Nugget Theory

Fun Fact: Did you know Wendy's chicken nuggets shrivel after being under a heat lamp for a few hours? Instead of just becoming stale and hard (like most fast food nuggets), the Wendy's chicken nugget has been known to actually shrink; they also taste more like turkey over time. Scientists are baffled.

So why do Wendy's chicken nuggets shrink and taste like turkey? A study performed by physicist and ex-restaurater Henry Rouster may have the explanation: He writes,"It appears that Wendy's chicken nuggets do indeed shrink over time, and after microscopic analysis, there's a clue as to why. Wendy's nuggets possess what we call Quantum Poultry Particles that pass them through space-time when exposed to a low, steady heat source (like that of a heat lamp). Essentially, this accelerates their aging process. To put it simply, Wendy's nuggets are time travelers. However, we don't yet know why they taste like turkey. Further examination is needed."

In 2013 the FDA contacted Pilgrim's Pride, the supplier of Wendy's chicken nuggets, to see what they had to say on the matter. They declined to comment about their nuggets' anomalous properties, but assured the public that they're safe for human consumption.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mr. Potato Dead

After becoming addicted to Lay's Potato Chips, Mr. Potato Head went on a rampage attacking grocery stores across the city. In a zombie-like craze, he devoured every bag of potato chips in sight…and when they ran out he began to feed upon his fellow potato folk.

The screams of veggiecide echoed through the streets, and soon the authorities were alerted. Following the trail of a hundred half-eaten potato people, they found Mr. Potato Head in a gas station–growling and chewing on his own arm. He lunged at the cops but was taken out by a well-placed RPG. In a glorious explosion of yellow juice and potato chunks, Mr. Potato Head was no more.

The incident was over, but how many more potato citizens would succumb to the forbidden allure of Lay's Potato Chips?

Monday, April 13, 2015

Dead Mule Brownies!

From the culinary geniuses that brought you Horse Biscuits and Maggot Muffins comes an all new tantalizing treat–Dead Mule Brownies™! Our signature Dead Mule Brownie Mix is made using mule chunks aged in the Arizona sun…then we grind it up with maggots and fudge! Mule love 'em!

Dead Mule Brownies are a fun and easy family snack! Just add sour milk, mix it up, and throw them in the oven for 20 minutes at 400º or something. The Burnsvery Bread Boy loves 'em, therefore they must be good! Then again, he's a human/bread hybrid (hybread?) that escaped from a government facility, so who knows what his nutritional needs would be?

LEGAL CRAP: Dead Mule Brownies are not intended for human, animal, or plant consumption. Dead Mule Brownie Mix is not to be confused with Dead Mule Horse & Donkey Repellent (even though it's equally delicious). Brownie packets are not for individual resale. If you try to resell them, we'll have the Burnsvery Bread Boy bite your fingers off. Dead Mule Brownie Mix may not be available in Alaska, Hawaii, Kansas, and the Dominican Republic.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Peter Rottentail

Here comes Peter Rottentail, leaving a bloody organ trail. Slippity sloppity, slippity sloppity...he's hungry for your brains!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House (Repost)

Back by unpopular demand, here's Awful House–a poem I did a while ago about Waffle House. I dedicate this to anyone who wanted a straw for their drink but couldn't find any.

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House

Oh Waffle House,
how thou art filthy;
a fog of awfulness
lingers upon thee.

When I enter thy door,
my lungs compress
and I feel my skin
slowly wrinkling.

Thou possess the stench
of onions most foul,
and thy floor is
permanently sticky.

Thy tables are covered
with the sandwich crumbs
and cigarette ashes
of days gone by.

Thy food is greasy–
crashing through my bowels
like a midnight train 

Sanitation? Nay!
Thy employees care not for gloves–
nor for washing
dirty cups and plates!

Yet still I partake
of thy waffles and bacon...
though I dare not observe
the preparation.

And thy customers
are a dreadful brethren;
they guzzle coffee for hours
whilst babbling nonsense.

Theirs is a world
of smoke and lies;
the drama they spread
is akin to disease.

Haunt me no more,
bathrooms without soap
and mustard-stained forks
that pass for "clean"!

Goodbye Waffle House,
I must retire to my abode
and take a shower...
for I feel tainted by thee.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Goblin's Den On Tumblr

The Goblin's Den is now on Tumblr! The Tumblr site will mostly be a mirror to this blog, although in a slightly different interface. Check it out at: http://goblins-den.tumblr.com.

Friday, March 13, 2015

CafePress Update

A couple of reminders regarding my CafePress shop: If you or anyone you know buys anything from me, please do so directly from my CafePress URL: www.cafepress.com/goblinsden. I can set the mark-up manually from it, and everything there is significantly cheaper as a result. Also, I get a much larger commission if you buy from my URL. This applies to all products I sell–bumper stickers, car magnets, shot glasses, ect. 

One more thing: My book, Lullabies For Goblins, is no longer for sale on CafePress. It appears they've phased out book printing, but you can still find Lullabies For Goblins in soft and hardcover format at Blurb.com.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bacon Scimitar!

Behold, the mystical Bacon Scimitar™! Forged by master sword smiths in Porkistan, the Bacon Scimitar is the only battle-ready blade made with Baconite–a composite grilled from the finest steel and…that's right, BACON! To ensure success, each Bacon Scimitar is fused with 1000 tortured pig souls–ritually slaughtered during the smelting process. If you find your enemies too plentiful, summon an army of flesh-hungry demonic pigs into the fray!

Each Bacon Scimitar comes with a certificate of authenticity and enchanted sheath to keep the blade's bloodlust in check between decapitations. Vanquish your foes with the power of bacon; order your very own Bacon Scimitar today! Victory has never tasted so good!

DISCLAIMER: The makers of Bacon Scimitar shall not be held responsible for potentially undesirable paranormal activity associated with its presence, such as: Constant smell of cooked bacon, disembodied snarling sounds, livestock possession, blood dripping from walls, electrical phenomena, insect plagues, and materialization of dimensional portals.

Friday, March 6, 2015

UFO Thoughts 9: Gorilla Heads To Muffins

Gorilla heads. Gorilla heads soaring through the air and when they collide they turn into muffins.

…legs of the daughter. Wow!

We're going to have a storm tonight.

A screaming baby surrounded by Cheetos–that's what Walmart reminds me of.

French doors…

Turn a house into mustard? Useless magic.

Just ignore it, everyone's a gun laugh.

Now that's how to make bacon! Put the taste away!

I'd really like a tall, happy, snakey little thing.

Head rush, so let's all be neglectful.

I stopped by, but the toilet wasn't on your porch anymore.

Dinosaurs floating in space? Now that's an album cover!

Our west is the edge; don't think twice about it!

Are you kidding me?! Be back by 10:00.

Hello, it's cactus time.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Crappy Valentine's Day!

Crappy Valentine's Day! Let's all stuff our faces with chalky candy hearts and stale chocolate. Shut up, you know you love it.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Fryday The 13th

That's right, it's Fryday The 13th. What are your favorite kind of french fries? Here's my preferred top 10…

1. Checkers
2. Chick-Fil-A
3. Zaxby's
4. McDonald's
5. Krystal (Waffle Fries)
6. KFC
7. Shane's Rib Shack
8. Wendy's
9. Steak & Shake
10. Arby's

It's Fryday!

It's Fryday, so here you go…have some french fries! Thirteen fries: one for each day. Put your machete-wielding skills to good use and cut yourself some potatoes (hockey mask recommended but not required).

Friday, January 30, 2015

Nuggets Of Wisdom

Every time a bell rings, an angry customer gets their hot wings.

What rolls under the fridge, stays under the fridge.

Keep an open mind, but not so open that you let reptilian aliens from the Draconis star system gain control of your lower chakras to force the world into a conga line of evil.

A rolling chicken nugget gathers no sauce.

Burger King: Have it your way...except for the "no onion" you asked for on the burger–and maybe a few other things you have to go back in for.

The only thing we have to fear is getting our blood sucked dry by carrot aliens; they harvest mankind to make intergalactic smoothies.

Never reheat today what you can forget about in the fridge to stink up the place tomorrow. #nastyoldpasta

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Shot Glass Test Run

Shot glasses turned out pretty good. I actually haven't bought any of them until recently (I first put them on my CafePress site a couple of years ago). I wish they were glass and I could do a full-bleed image on them, but not bad. Check out my full selection of shot glass designs at CafePress!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Ear!

Happy New Ear! It's that time again when we reflect about past events and choose new ears…but why settle on the same boring set? Why not upgrade to snazzy vampire ears to impress your friends who watch those pretentious fantasy shows? You could even go with hippo ears if you want something happy and flappy! What's your new ear's resolution?

WARNING: Some ears may not be compatible with all humanoid nerve and brain patterns. Check with your local ear doctor.