Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding

Zen poetry for
the follically-challenged.
Be at peace, baldies!

Hey, the Buddha is bald and he doesn't care...so why should you?

Monday, July 18, 2016

Fast Food Freak Factory

Your initials will determine your fate! Which fast food monster appears before you, and what will you do to defeat it?

On a dark and stormy night, you go to a local fast food restaurant. While inside, lightning strikes and the power goes out. When the lights come back on, you find yourself confronted by a mysterious creature. Your first, middle, and last initials determine what kind of fast food monster is after you! Use the chart on this image!

Example: If your name is Constance Rugby Abraham, then you'd get attacked by a Sabre-Toothed Captain D's Potatoad. The key to the monster's weakness may be in which fast food joint it originates from. For instance...if you got a Demonic KFC Wereturkey, your best strategy may be to hide from it. KFC employees always get your order wrong and tend to forget about you completely if you have to wait for your food to be cooked. So if you hide from a KFC monster, it'll likely forget about you quickly. It's also possible that a KFC monster may spawn with missing limbs (since items are always missing from KFC orders).

Likewise, Hardee's monsters almost always come out deaf. This is because Hardee's employees never answer the drive-thru speaker, indicating an apathetic ear. If a Cyclopsian Hardee's Zomburger is after you, you're in luck...it doesn't have good hearing or depth perception, so you may be able to beat it easily.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Meditations On Roadkill (Roadkill Haiku)

Roadkill haiku time!
Warning: gross pictures ahead.
Not for the squeamish!

Zen poetry about our squashed furry friends. Warning: This video contains images of actual roadkill. So yeah, guts and stuff ahead.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Mocha Sharks!

NEWS FLASH! Mocha Sharks found in Garbucks coffee! May be responsible for "pink mush" incidents.

A new species of shark, dubbed the "Mocha Shark", has been found in some cups of Garbucks coffee. These microscopic maniacs have been identified as the cause of a series of odd incidents with people being melted into a pile of pink goo. When ingested, Mocha Sharks quickly devour the victim on a microbial level–leaving only clothing items and eyeballs behind.

Across the country, hipsters have been found in their loft apartments reduced to pink mush. Here's the account of a 24-year old Arizona resident, Cindy Watehver, who came home one night to find her boyfriend mysteriously dissolved: "So like, I came home from Whole Foods and found him basically melted...like you know, if you left a vinyl record in the sun? All that was left was his glasses, disc earrings, and beard. There was no explanation for it. I was like, that's really gross and stuff. So I let the police clean it up."

Investigations have revealed a common pattern among the victims...they all had terrible taste in music and had been drinking Garbucks' new Mega-Mad Mocha Shake on the day they expired. Forensic inspection of the victims showed that their tissue was swarming with tiny sharks. The creatures are previously unknown to science; their origin is also a mystery. Garbucks has issued a public apology and claims they're cooperating with authorities to resolve the matter.

Garbucks is a Nommos-owned company, and a popular coffee/samich hole among young people. They also sell fishing supplies and are famous for their catchy slogan, "Got Worms?"

WARNING: Garbucks patrons are urged to refrain from consuming the Mega-Mad Mocha Shake until further notice. If you suspect your coffee may have Mocha Sharks in it, DO NOT DRINK! Use as drain cleaner instead.