Friday, December 30, 2016


"I always speak my mind, because the world is too full of liars and secrets." ~ Anonymoose

Sunday, December 25, 2016

The Sound Of French Fries: Christmas Edition

It's Christmas haiku
with a greasy fast food twist!
Have Tums, will travel.

A special holiday edition of my "The Sound Of French Fries" haiku video series. Merry Crustmas, and seasoning's greetings from ol' Chris Crinkle Fries himself!

Monday, December 19, 2016

The Sound Of French Fries 3

Hold onto your guts,
it's The Sound Of French Fries 3!
Anyone need Tums?

This is the 3rd video of my "The Sound Of French Fries" series, featuring narrated haiku poems about fast food. Don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel, people!

Friday, December 9, 2016

UFO Thoughts: Now Available

My 3rd book, UFO Thoughts, is now available at in paperback format for $11.99. It's 200 pages of utter nonsense that'll blow your brain valves! Think of it as illustrated Mad Libs, except without the lib...and with 10 times the MAD! Check it out here.

Ever had a random phrase pop into your head that didn't make any sense? That's a UFO Thought, and this book is full of 'em! Perhaps these nonsensical ramblings are a manifestation of the subconscious mind, or maybe they mean nothing at be the judge! Don't look for a complex story or deep slam poetry here. Seriously, this book makes no sense! After all, "Aren't we all just good citizens?"

Here's what the critics have to say...

"UFO Thoughts is a triumph of epileptic proportions!"
- Brain E. Nonsensington, Hemorrhage Weekly

"It helps keep the Xoba Worms out of my head."
- Aiem Stu Pid, The Conspiracy Critic

"I like pie. Where's my sandals?!"
- Jib Urish, Babbler Magazine

WARNING: This book is rated R for Ridiculous. Content recommended for nutcases and space weirdos only. Not suitable for robots without paradox logic dampeners. The Goblin's Den and affiliates shall not be held responsible for busted head veins or blown circuits of any kind.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

New Shot Glasses - Dec. 2016

New shot glasses are available at my CafePress store. Guzzle your dizzy juice with these experi-MENTAL designs and more, found here.

• Let's Get Smashed
• Eye See You
• All Your Face Are Belong To Us
• Got Weird?
• Happy Curl Death Swirl
• Hello Jello

And as always, check out my full CafePress store at:

Note: If you ever buy something from my store, make sure to do so directly from the URLs shown above. Not only will I earn more $ per item, but my mark-ups are usually much cheaper than CafePress marketplace prices (in short, you pay less and I get more).

Friday, December 2, 2016

Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding 2

Need a haiku fix?
Here's the next video of
The Zen Of Balding!

This is the second video of my "The Zen Of Balding" series, featuring haiku for the follicly-challenged.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Coming Soon: UFO Thoughts - The Book!

Coming Soon: UFO Thoughts

My next book will be UFO Thoughts, a collection of nonsensical phrases with accompanying drawings. Inspired by late-night head ramblings and spammy email adverts in bad English, UFO Thoughts won't feature any poems or rhyming (ok, maybe a few rhymes here and there)...think of it as what happens when you throw the collective consciousness into a blender–a proverbial brain barf of utter insanity!

More info will be posted very soon, including links and previews. Stay tuned...

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Thursday, November 3, 2016


What's the name of R2-D2's sexually promiscuous cousin? 
STD-2! May the puns be with you.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Day After Halloween

Happy Halloween! 
Even though it was yesterday, 
somehow I felt compelled 
to post this anyway. 

It's that time of year again,
when every boy and girl
dress up as ghosts and goblins
and eat candy 'til they hurl.

Now that it's all over
and the pumpkins are turning to mush,
you might as well get ready
for the holiday rush.

Forget about Thanksgiving
and that canned, cranberry slime.
The stores are having sales–hooray!
It's almost Christmas time!

But don't fret, my freaky friends...
no need to stress or fear,
there's only 364 days
'til Halloween next year!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Chicken Of The Underworld

Everybody's had Chicken Of The Sea tuna, but have you tried Hellkist™ brand Chicken Of The Underworld? It's the only supernatural supper that contains genuine Cthuling* meat! Served in a broth of daemon bile, it's rich in Alpha & Omega 3s and an excellent source of vitamin E-vil! You won't find it in grocery stores, but don't can conjure up a batch from the abyss with the provided incantation below. Best of all, it's free*! Summon deliciousness tonight!

Chicken Of The Underworld Incantation

Oh, great one of the deep,
we pray to you this night
for an otherworldly treat
to quell our appetite.

Form us out of the void
a canned, unholy feast–
packed with preservatives
unfit for man or beast.

Give to us your essence,
a delicacy most vile:
the flesh of Cthulhu himself
steeped in daemon bile.

Tonight we summon flavor
unlike any before!
Chicken Of The Underworld,
appear now, we implore!

*Cthulings are tentacles of Cthulhu that were severed by demigod warriors. Once detached, Cthulhu's tentacles form smaller clones of him, dubbed Cthulings. They are sometimes caught for their meat, which is considered a delicacy.

*Free indicates lack of monetary exchange. A portion of your soul may be needed to conjure Chicken Of The Underworld. Hellkist™is not responsible for any hauntings, possessions, or lost spiritual property that may occur while summoning Chicken Of The Underworld.

Full list of ingredients: Cthuling meat, daemon bile, hydrogenated dragon scales, lost souls, high fructose orc syrup, concentrated evil, minotaur gonads (to preserve freshness), medusa hair, oni horns, basilisk urine. May contain beholder eyes. Note: Manufactured in a facility that processes tree nuts.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Grill or Grill Not!

May the forks be with you! And straws.

Yoda, Star Wars, and Waffle House are copyrighted material of their respective owners, blah blah blah.

Monday, September 26, 2016

UFO Thoughts: Baballoon

I'd like to buy a balloon shaped like a baboon. I'd call it a "baballoon", then I'd pop it with my stinger tail.

We are left by business...which changes our ability.

You don't know what an axe hand is, do you?

Comfort food goes out the other end...

Mercury, you're terrible.

Well, I've only had 3 months in the kitchen...

I was a cloud once! So tell me about it.

...stranded on Mars with the wrong salmon.

The teapot has duck feet! I repeat, the teapot has duck feet!

...just like a sack of potatoes. What?!

She's not your food anymore... she moved to Iowa. They're also grilling, clearly.

The future echoes of NOTHING!

Grab a handful and meet me at Deuter.

I wish you goodbye, there's no way to go back back. way to get to 40 tonight. Go, Zeet Philips!

Saturday, September 3, 2016


Hey, do you partake?
Then you might find these zen poems
relatable, man!
It's haiku about being high. That's pretty much it, dude. Now where did I leave my Funions?

Friday, August 26, 2016

Kepler 420-MJ

Inhabitants of Earth may be surprised to find out that the cannabis plant they so revere actually originates from a different planet! Ongoing research of the Kepler telescope data has identified the culprit as a lush, tropical planet aptly named "Kepler 420-MJ." Trade between Earth and the indigenous peoples of 420-MJ has been taking place for thousands of years. According to top-secret intel, there are two sentient species native to the world: the Nommos and the Granites.

Planet Attributes:

Kepler 420-MJ was first discovered by researchers William Edmond and Edith Dorian in 2013 and is 25 light years away in the Thorus Hera Cretan system. It's about 75% the size of Earth, has 20% less gravity, and rotates around its sun the equivalent of every 420 Earth days. It's a completely tropical planet–there are no polar or arid regions. Hundreds of cannabis plant species are known to grow there to date, but only several have been successfully transplanted to Earth. Kepler 420-MJ has been dubbed by Hemp Nation magazine as a KOEI (Kepler Object of Extreme Interest).

Native Sentients:

The Nommos: Anthropomorphic and fish-like in appearance (ranging in height from 4-6 feet). Originally from the Sirius star system, the Nommos colonized Kepler 420-MJ a few thousand years ago...soon after that they met a race native to the planet–the Granites. The Granites introduced the Nommos to their traditions and thus a symbiotic relationship between the two races was forged.

The Granites: Small, silicon-based creatures that resemble living mineral deposits (usually around 2-3 feet tall). They're not as technologically advanced as the Nommos, but they make up for it in business savvy. Their ability to find uses for cannabis is impeccable...almost all hemp products in use today were conceived by them. They originally hooked the Nommos on pot with their infamous "first one's free" technique.

Fun Facts:

• Due to a thick cloud layer, early observations of Kepler 420-MJ led astronomers to believe it was a gaseous planet. However, it was later determined the clouds were actually large plumes of smoke–a product of mass THC consumption.
• Kepler 420-MJ has an artificial ring around it. It's made of Funions– they're sent into orbit to cook in the sun and are later cultivated with large cargo ships. Hey, how else are you gonna satisfy an entire planet with the munchies?
• Reeforia, the largest continent on Kepler 420-MJ, was terra-formed to look like the planet's primary export. You know what I'm talking about. Groovy!
• Reports of cigar and bong-shaped UFOs on Earth are without a doubt sightings of ships from Kepler 420-MJ.
• The SETI "Whoa!" signal received in 1977 was recently determined to be from Kepler 420-MJ. There was a binary message in the broadcast which was translated as "Legalize It."


• The term "smoking like a fish" has its roots with the Dogon tribe in West Africa. The phrase was coined after watching the Nommos visitors smoke pot all day.
• After numerous visits by the Granites peddling marijuana on Earth, the Mayans began to refer to consuming the substance as "getting stoned" because of their suppliers' rock-like appearance.
• The Navajo indians referred to smoking marijuana as "getting high" because it comes from a land above.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Facets Of Club Sandwich

What does "club sandwich" mean? Let us ponder. There are many facets of club sandwich: There's the traditional club sandwich itself (who knows why they call it that), but then a dancing sandwich in a night club is also a "club sandwich."

If you were to whop someone on the head with a stale sandwich, you're using a sandwich as a club–thus creating another facet of club sandwich (or it could be an actual club fashioned to look like a sandwich). Or you could club a sandwich flat with a club, making it a "clubbed sandwich." You could also club that sandwich with your sandwich club for even more pun fun!

Perhaps somewhere there's a group of witches that get together and think of different sandwiches to make. That would be a sandwich club for witches, which would probably be named "Club Sandwitch."

The possibilities are endless!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The Aliens Are Coming 2 (Alien Haiku)

another video of
alien haiku!

Would aliens read haiku? Who knows, who cares? Anyway, here's another video about them.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

The Sound Of French Fries 2

Well, fry my nuggets–
it's fast food haiku, part 2!
Fire up the grease pit!

This is my second "The Sound Of French Fries" video, featuring haiku poems about fast food. Inspired by real experiences at fast food restaurants.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

You Might Be A Splorbo If...

Zeff Voxwordy is the most famous comedian in this galactic quadrant! He's written numerous holo-tomes, performed in both high and low gravity, and hosted "Are You More Cerebral Than A Zrith Gourder?" He now presents his newest comedy routine, "You Might Be A Splorbo If..." and it has the known universe in stitches. Are you a Splorbo? It's time to find out!
You might be a Splorbo if...
1. You lose control of your nexxle gland and attack your friends.
2. Your blorch collapses and kills more than one litter of skreps.
3. The liquid methane punch is over-belked but you can metabolize it.
4. Your idea of a good dimensional warp is obtaining Screedon gear!
5. There's a poorly-maintained Drek Zarbler on your vacation moon.
6. You dye your lawn blue once a week...even if you have a pet xrookle.
7. When you were a larva you had your birthday parties at Bleebleks.
8. You think "spending creb" means glechifying and nepping a spreg!
9. You zorg bladders fill up but you can't rise to the Mekosphere.
10. Your species has 3 sexes and you never receive a Flobbergatter!
Here's what the critics have to say about Zeff's new act:
"It had me slapping all 6 of my knees" - The Arachnidragon, supreme ruler of Ordan
"So funny that I deflated 4 of my air bladders and fell into the lower atmosphere!" - Jiloridar Bleeip, leader of the Mexar Plion Cult
"I blew sulfuric acid out of every head orifice!" - Hegle A. Dremilin, housemite of Kruge Stelblan

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding

Zen poetry for
the follically-challenged.
Be at peace, baldies!

Hey, the Buddha is bald and he doesn't why should you?

Monday, July 18, 2016

Fast Food Freak Factory

Your initials will determine your fate! Which fast food monster appears before you, and what will you do to defeat it?

On a dark and stormy night, you go to a local fast food restaurant. While inside, lightning strikes and the power goes out. When the lights come back on, you find yourself confronted by a mysterious creature. Your first, middle, and last initials determine what kind of fast food monster is after you! Use the chart on this image!

Example: If your name is Constance Rugby Abraham, then you'd get attacked by a Sabre-Toothed Captain D's Potatoad. The key to the monster's weakness may be in which fast food joint it originates from. For instance...if you got a Demonic KFC Wereturkey, your best strategy may be to hide from it. KFC employees always get your order wrong and tend to forget about you completely if you have to wait for your food to be cooked. So if you hide from a KFC monster, it'll likely forget about you quickly. It's also possible that a KFC monster may spawn with missing limbs (since items are always missing from KFC orders).

Likewise, Hardee's monsters almost always come out deaf. This is because Hardee's employees never answer the drive-thru speaker, indicating an apathetic ear. If a Cyclopsian Hardee's Zomburger is after you, you're in doesn't have good hearing or depth perception, so you may be able to beat it easily.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Meditations On Roadkill (Roadkill Haiku)

Roadkill haiku time!
Warning: gross pictures ahead.
Not for the squeamish!

Zen poetry about our squashed furry friends. Warning: This video contains images of actual roadkill. So yeah, guts and stuff ahead.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Mocha Sharks!

NEWS FLASH! Mocha Sharks found in Garbucks coffee! May be responsible for "pink mush" incidents.

A new species of shark, dubbed the "Mocha Shark", has been found in some cups of Garbucks coffee. These microscopic maniacs have been identified as the cause of a series of odd incidents with people being melted into a pile of pink goo. When ingested, Mocha Sharks quickly devour the victim on a microbial level–leaving only clothing items and eyeballs behind.

Across the country, hipsters have been found in their loft apartments reduced to pink mush. Here's the account of a 24-year old Arizona resident, Cindy Watehver, who came home one night to find her boyfriend mysteriously dissolved: "So like, I came home from Whole Foods and found him basically you know, if you left a vinyl record in the sun? All that was left was his glasses, disc earrings, and beard. There was no explanation for it. I was like, that's really gross and stuff. So I let the police clean it up."

Investigations have revealed a common pattern among the victims...they all had terrible taste in music and had been drinking Garbucks' new Mega-Mad Mocha Shake on the day they expired. Forensic inspection of the victims showed that their tissue was swarming with tiny sharks. The creatures are previously unknown to science; their origin is also a mystery. Garbucks has issued a public apology and claims they're cooperating with authorities to resolve the matter.

Garbucks is a Nommos-owned company, and a popular coffee/samich hole among young people. They also sell fishing supplies and are famous for their catchy slogan, "Got Worms?"

WARNING: Garbucks patrons are urged to refrain from consuming the Mega-Mad Mocha Shake until further notice. If you suspect your coffee may have Mocha Sharks in it, DO NOT DRINK! Use as drain cleaner instead.

Monday, June 27, 2016

What Lurks In The Loch (Loch Ness Haiku)

What lurks in the loch?
A prehistoric monster...
or just some driftwood?

This video features haiku about that ever-elusive lake beastie. As with my previous videos, most of the haiku here are featured in my book, Haiku For Slugs. However, a couple are new or altered.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

The Aliens Are Coming (Alien Haiku)

Haiku about those big-headed, probe-happy visitors. Check it out, Earthlings...if your puny brain can handle it.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Cereal Box Fun: Spot The Difference

Cereal Box Fun: Which one of these pics is different from the others? Guess right and win a *free Xrookle!

*Xrookle is free with the exception of shipping and handling, plus exotic organism transport tax in accordance to laws in place via the Arxillian Galactic Alliance.

Explanation for Earthlings: What is a Xrookle? A Xrookle is a carnivorous, bipedal organism that stands about 1-2 feet tall and preys on smaller animals. Its home planet is X-P236 in the Xuralis solar system; it is characterized by its striking blue skin, voracious appetite, and ability to reproduce rapidly.

In the early days of Duubourit colonization, the creature was adopted by settlers as a pet. They are easily domesticated (their temperament is similar to that of an Earth canine), but they reproduced more rapidly than expected...thus creating a plague of munching menaces that ate people out of house and home. As they are now prevalent across the galaxy, the Hertolon Nutrition Pellet Agency, which sells products akin to Earth cereals, has started to give Xrookles away as promotions (often printed on the back of their products' boxes).

As an added bonus, Xrookle feces is high in nitrates and possesses a dye that causes most flora to grow blue. Thus, they have become popular in landscaping endeavors for obtaining that bright cerulean lawn that home owners desire.

Other facts: Smaller sub-species of Xrookle are sometimes packaged as prizes in nutrition pellet boxes. Their young can be dried and revived like brine shrimp, growing at an alarming rate after liquid methane is added. Earth inhabitants have noted that Xrookles emit an undesirable "sewage" odor, perhaps making them less suitable as house pets for humans.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Friday, June 10, 2016

War Of The Giant Space Heads

Once upon a summer eve,
I saw faces in the sky.
They zoomed about at blinding speed,
and I've no idea why.

It looked like they were fighting;
I saw a few collide.
When the pieces started falling,
there was nowhere to hide.

Raining chunks of massive flesh
hit every building and street.
Cars were swerving everywhere
trying to avoid the meat.

The battle continued up above,
until finally it stopped.
The entire world was left in shock
when the last eyeball dropped.

As the clean-up effort began,
we pondered of the attack:
"What were those giant things,
and will they ever come back?"

Some people cooked the meat
and praised it for its taste.
"It's kind of fishy." they said.
Well, at least it didn't go to waste.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Zombie Zen (Zombie Haiku)

Who says zombies can't be zen? Chill out with these horrifying haiku...if you dare.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Something Smells Fishy (Fish Haiku)

Do you smell something fishy? Oh right, it's fish haiku! Relax with these zen poems from the deep.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Don't Step On That Slug (Slug Haiku)

Check out this video for some slugarific haiku. Most of these are from my new book, Haiku For Slugs. If you like what you see, subscribe to my YouTube channel. More to come!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Ham:cube - Gutting Room Floor

That's right, the boys are back! Hot on the rump of their debut albumen, Nice To Meat You, comes a very special EP chop full of remixes and oddities from the last recording session. Just as a slaughterhouse would grind up pig noses for cat food, [ham:cube] has compiled their leftovers into a Frankenstein elecktro masterpiece! As a lavish digi-pack, it'll only be available in 666 units as physical copy...and then as digital downloaden exclusively on the internet fanshop!

Full Track Listing:

01. Oink Oink, Motherfuckers!
02. Turkey Bacon Makes The Rage In Me Rise
03. Leftover Hotdogs feat. Byproduct Brigade
04. Fappy Meal (The McDonald's Drive-Thru Girl Was Hot)
05. Ketchup Bottle Farts (Instrumental)
06. Sausage Neck (Back From Boot Camp mix by Funky Vote)
07. Porkin' Mindy (Sloppy Seconds mix by Chubby Chas-R)
08. Rotisserie Piglets
09. The Little Hairs On It (Toothpick mix by Dakota Feedbag)
10. Attempted Hamicide (Demo 2014)
11. I Gave Your Mommy My Pastrami
12. Ingredients Of Spam (Never List 'Em All mix by KFMDN)

----- Attention [ham:cube] fans and all goth weirdos -----

Necropolis Records presents: A Night Of Evil at The Torture Rack on July 16, 2016 from 7:00 PM until 3:00 AM. All ages permitted as long as you have a good fake ID.

With live elektro music by: [ham:cube], Dakota Feedbag, Funky Vote, A Popped Zit Gone Berzerk, and DMV Nation. There'll also be a performance by Groochie, the S&M M&M (don't ask). Prepare your soul for a night of fire breathing, tattooed cyber sluts, people dressed like Batman or something, confused furries with glowing paws, plastic wrap butt-whipping and other goth nonsense.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Sound Of French Fries: Fast Food Haiku

It's fast food haiku,
this time in video form.
Like, share, and subscribe!

This is the first in a series of YouTube videos I'm doing to promote my book, Haiku For Slugs. Stay tuned for more.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Cinco De Mayo: 5 x The Grossness

Here's your obligatory Cinco De Mayo post. I have no idea why anyone would want 5 mayos, but here you go. Seriously, mayo is disgusting.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Ham:cube - Nice To Meat You!

Introducing [ham:cube], brainchild of industrial music squatters Henwig Arton Mesmich and Finry Von Staunchcoat! Hailing from Hamburg, Germany, the duo is poised to tear up the scene with their debut albumen, Nice To Meat You! The record is a lush blend of post-punk ambient experimental and electric synthpop jazz dubstep! Frontman Henwig says "I've worked in the genre previously with my well-known band, Puppy Parvo Patrol, so with [ham:cube] we wanted to do something exactly the same but different. Our goal was to do a record that makes the listener want to dance and slit their wrists at the same time, all while thinking about spinning pig heads."

Keyboardist Finry is a veteran himself, his past involvements being with both Byproduct Brigade and Fuckleberry Thin. He had this to say about the promising new venture: "Grrraaaaahhhhhhh! I bit one of me fingers off while makin' this album! I had to get it sewn back on. It was tasty!" Well, you can't argue with greatness.

Carrothead Magazine calls Nice To Meat You "A delightfully decadent abortion." Second Sin says "'s like Depeche Mode's Violator album but with lots of pig snorts and samples from The Matrix thrown in." And if that weren't enough, Floggers & Foggers Fetish Blog gives it a rating of 9/9 cat tails, calling it "...the second coming of Front 242's Headhunter. Das ist der Hammer!"

There you have it, folks. You can't get much higher praise than that! Hopefully there is much more to come from this electro dream team! Genial!

- Perga Blon Totenheim, editor for Vlerxxx! Magazine.

Full Track Listing:

01. Nice To Meat You (The Choppy-Chop Symphony)
02. Porkin' Mindy
03. Ham For Change (The Waffle House Blues)
04. The Little Hairs On It
05. Ingredients Of Spam
06. Sausage Neck
07. Have Turkey Baster, Will Travel
08. Phony Pepperoni
09. Dilly-Dallying During The Daily Deli Disaster
10. Half-Eaten Samich
11. A Bite Into Gristle (McDonald's Done Me Wrong)
12. Yes, M'ham!
13. Bone Shard In My Bologna
14. Piggy's Final Journey (From The Farm To My Septic Tank)

Nice To Meat You is available in digital format on 4/27/16...and compact disc for the old people that give a shit. © Necropolis Records 2016, all rights reserved and stuff. Yes, we do actually publish albums by artists other than Humpsgut and KFMDN.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Haiku For Slugs: Now Available In ImageWrap Hardcover

Haiku For Slugs is
now in hardcover format.
Check it out, people!

Haiku For Slugs is now available in imagewrap hardcover. Check it out at this link:

Friday, April 15, 2016

Mind's Eye Trick

Hey, look deep into the center of this pic for 30 seconds until your eyes cross! If you see a picture, YOU ARE A GENIUS! It really works! Type what you see in the comments!

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Spooky Fingers

Spooky fingers, under my door.
Spooky fingers, feeling the floor.
Spooky fingers, at 3AM.
Spooky fingers, oh how I hate them!

They reach under my door
accompanied by a fog
and start feeling under there,
gray and webbed like a frog.

They poke around for a while,
and sometimes there's a growling.
Then at some point it looks under
with big eyes, black and scowling.

By 5AM they disappear
(it might be afraid of the sun).
I dusted once for fingerprints
but couldn't find even one.

Tomorrow will be different.
Oh, you can count on that!
I'll be waiting with a hammer
to smash those digits flat!

So I waited up that night...
and sure enough, they came back.
When those fingers started pattin',
I gave them a solid whack!

It let out a deafening roar
and my ears began to ring.
The fog got stronger, and after that
I don't remember a thing.

I woke up in the morning
tucked safely into my bed.
It's like nothing happened at all...
except for this scar on my head.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Fryday Haiku: The Transience Of Chicken Fries

Guess what's back again?
Burger King chicken fries, yay!
They'll be gone next week.

Black hamburger buns:
not burnt, dyed for Halloween.
Slightly disturbing.

Pumpkin Spice Waffle™
here for a limited time!
I don't give a shit.

Popeyes is greasy–
somehow even their biscuits
taste like lard sponges.

Attention foodies,
Burger King has hot dogs now!
Like anyone cares.

At Hardee's drive-thru:
had to wait thirty minutes
with two cars in line.

Waffle House breakfast:
something's floating in my Coke.
Cigarette ashes?

There once was a time
when Wendy's had chicken strips.
Only nuggets remain.

So you're telling me
there's no Ribwich anymore?
Curse you, McDonalds!

Burger King nuggets:
ten for a dollar fifty!
You can taste the cheap.

Friday, March 18, 2016

UFO Thoughts: Furniture Kid & The Endless Boogie

She can turn the groceries into a time bomb. For real?

The mall changes, and when it does...I feel like...another dimension.

For 10 weeks, the kid was a piece of furniture.

Do you ever use hand soap? Good luck!

If I have to hear that song "Programmed To Boogie" one more time, I swear I'm gonna shoot that damn robot.

Ah, to be a soda can filled with intrigue! Those were the days.

There was a bird trapped in the vending machine. I tried to let it out through the bottom door, but it turned into a snake. Later I realized it was really a bag of Fritos with a mole inside.

Houston, we have french fries.

New York has become smaller than me.

...smells like a dead sandwich.

25 years ago, I lost a purple sticky hand at the skating rink. You know, one of those toys you can win with tickets? Some days I look up at the sky and wonder what became of it.

Oh well, we could use the chicken pot pies anyway.

The paint cans were coming up the stairs. I was terrified because I knew there were bowling balls inside; I could tell they had human eyes in the finger sockets. pyramid with an orb. Is that right?

Some kind of flightless bird, flightless bird, flightless bird...

The funniest thing I ever did was hang that painting.

It's hard to be a physical thermos!

Eggface. Isn't that a shame?

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Zit Zen 2: Proactiv Shower

Morning ritual:
pop my zits in the mirror,
dab with alcohol.

Humongous back zit.
Found its center and pinched hard!
My shirt is wet now.

Thin strips of yellow
worm their way out of my pores
when I squeeze my chin.

The older the zit,
the more yellow the contents.
If it's gold, it's old.

Don't pop zits in space
because in zero gravity
it floats all around.

Nope, those aren't freckles–
it's a legion of blackheads.
Not so cute now, huh?

You are what you eat.
So if you love pizza, your
face turns into one.

Zitty teenager:
just one forehead wipe would be
enough to cook with.

Got acne problems?
Take a Proactiv shower.
It has granules! Yay!

To hide the grossness,
girls with acne use makeup...
but lumps still show through.

Inner ear pimple:
hard to reach and hurts like hell!
Need a barbed Q-Tip.

For backne outbreaks,
try using a back scratcher.
Wash it afterwards.

Whitehead on my nose!
It must've formed overnight.
A firm pinch will do.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Gallentine's Day

The heart is the official organ of Valentine's Day, so it's easy to forget about our other fleshy, pulsing friends–such as the gall bladder. How about sending your secret crush a gall bladder this year? It's the perfect way to say "I had the gall to speak up and ask you out!"

Or what about eyeballs? Sending her an eyeball sends the clear message of "I've been staring at you through the bushes for weeks."

If you're in a serious relationship, a roll of intestines is the perfect way to say "We're going to be together a LONG time!"

Think about it...what organ would you send your Valentine, and why?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Zit Zen (aka Simple Pimple Poems)

Giant forehead zit.
And did I mention that it's
yearbook photo day?

Sure, my nose looks clean...
but closer in the mirror
a field of blackheads.

I ate at Hardee's,
and just ten minutes later
zits form on my back.

To pop your pimples,
use a sterilized needle.
Yeah, right. Who does that?

Pesky earlobe zit.
I keep squeezing and squeezing.
Endless grease geyser!

It's uncanny, but
that's not the surface of Mars–
it's my face up close.

Thick amber nugget
rolls out of the zit I popped.
Smells like McDonald's.

So many blackheads!
Squeezing them all is futile...
just makes my face red.

Popped my nostril zit.
It made a greasy SNAP! noise
and squirted five feet.

Hey there, crater face...
stop picking at those pimples.
Heard of Proactiv?

Might as well call it:
I'm a total pizza face.
High-school life ruined.

Old crusty blackhead
long overdue to be milked:
watch it whizzle out!

Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Ear (Of Corn)

Happy New Ear! My apologies if you find this post corny. Go choke on a kernel.