Thursday, March 19, 2015

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House (Repost)

Back by unpopular demand, here's Awful House–a poem I did a while ago about Waffle House. I dedicate this to anyone who wanted a straw for their drink but couldn't find any.

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House

Oh Waffle House,
how thou art filthy;
a fog of awfulness
lingers upon thee.

When I enter thy door,
my lungs compress
and I feel my skin
slowly wrinkling.

Thou possess the stench
of onions most foul,
and thy floor is
permanently sticky.

Thy tables are covered
with the sandwich crumbs
and cigarette ashes
of days gone by.

Thy food is greasy–
crashing through my bowels
like a midnight train 

Sanitation? Nay!
Thy employees care not for gloves–
nor for washing
dirty cups and plates!

Yet still I partake
of thy waffles and bacon...
though I dare not observe
the preparation.

And thy customers
are a dreadful brethren;
they guzzle coffee for hours
whilst babbling nonsense.

Theirs is a world
of smoke and lies;
the drama they spread
is akin to disease.

Haunt me no more,
bathrooms without soap
and mustard-stained forks
that pass for "clean"!

Goodbye Waffle House,
I must retire to my abode
and take a shower...
for I feel tainted by thee.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Goblin's Den On Tumblr

The Goblin's Den is now on Tumblr! The Tumblr site will mostly be a mirror to this blog, although in a slightly different interface. Check it out at:

Friday, March 13, 2015

CafePress Update

A couple of reminders regarding my CafePress shop: If you or anyone you know buys anything from me, please do so directly from my CafePress URL: I can set the mark-up manually from it, and everything there is significantly cheaper as a result. Also, I get a much larger commission if you buy from my URL. This applies to all products I sell–bumper stickers, car magnets, shot glasses, ect. 

One more thing: My book, Lullabies For Goblins, is no longer for sale on CafePress. It appears they've phased out book printing, but you can still find Lullabies For Goblins in soft and hardcover format at

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bacon Scimitar!

Behold, the mystical Bacon Scimitar™! Forged by master sword smiths in Porkistan, the Bacon Scimitar is the only battle-ready blade made with Baconite–a composite grilled from the finest steel and…that's right, BACON! To ensure success, each Bacon Scimitar is fused with 1000 tortured pig souls–ritually slaughtered during the smelting process. If you find your enemies too plentiful, summon an army of flesh-hungry demonic pigs into the fray!

Each Bacon Scimitar comes with a certificate of authenticity and enchanted sheath to keep the blade's bloodlust in check between decapitations. Vanquish your foes with the power of bacon; order your very own Bacon Scimitar today! Victory has never tasted so good!

DISCLAIMER: The makers of Bacon Scimitar shall not be held responsible for potentially undesirable paranormal activity associated with its presence, such as: Constant smell of cooked bacon, disembodied snarling sounds, livestock possession, blood dripping from walls, electrical phenomena, insect plagues, and materialization of dimensional portals.

Friday, March 6, 2015

UFO Thoughts 9: Gorilla Heads To Muffins

Gorilla heads. Gorilla heads soaring through the air and when they collide they turn into muffins.

…legs of the daughter. Wow!

We're going to have a storm tonight.

A screaming baby surrounded by Cheetos–that's what Walmart reminds me of.

French doors…

Turn a house into mustard? Useless magic.

Just ignore it, everyone's a gun laugh.

Now that's how to make bacon! Put the taste away!

I'd really like a tall, happy, snakey little thing.

Head rush, so let's all be neglectful.

I stopped by, but the toilet wasn't on your porch anymore.

Dinosaurs floating in space? Now that's an album cover!

Our west is the edge; don't think twice about it!

Are you kidding me?! Be back by 10:00.

Hello, it's cactus time.