Friday, August 26, 2016
Inhabitants of Earth may be surprised to find out that the cannabis plant they so revere actually originates from a different planet! Ongoing research of the Kepler telescope data has identified the culprit as a lush, tropical planet aptly named "Kepler 420-MJ." Trade between Earth and the indigenous peoples of 420-MJ has been taking place for thousands of years. According to top-secret intel, there are two sentient species native to the world: the Nommos and the Granites.
Kepler 420-MJ was first discovered by researchers William Edmond and Edith Dorian in 2013 and is 25 light years away in the Thorus Hera Cretan system. It's about 75% the size of Earth, has 20% less gravity, and rotates around its sun the equivalent of every 420 Earth days. It's a completely tropical planet–there are no polar or arid regions. Hundreds of cannabis plant species are known to grow there to date, but only several have been successfully transplanted to Earth. Kepler 420-MJ has been dubbed by Hemp Nation magazine as a KOEI (Kepler Object of Extreme Interest).
The Nommos: Anthropomorphic and fish-like in appearance (ranging in height from 4-6 feet). Originally from the Sirius star system, the Nommos colonized Kepler 420-MJ a few thousand years ago...soon after that they met a race native to the planet–the Granites. The Granites introduced the Nommos to their traditions and thus a symbiotic relationship between the two races was forged.
The Granites: Small, silicon-based creatures that resemble living mineral deposits (usually around 2-3 feet tall). They're not as technologically advanced as the Nommos, but they make up for it in business savvy. Their ability to find uses for cannabis is impeccable...almost all hemp products in use today were conceived by them. They originally hooked the Nommos on pot with their infamous "first one's free" technique.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
What does "club sandwich" mean? Let us ponder. There are many facets of club sandwich: There's the traditional club sandwich itself (who knows why they call it that), but then a dancing sandwich in a night club is also a "club sandwich."
If you were to whop someone on the head with a stale sandwich, you're using a sandwich as a club–thus creating another facet of club sandwich (or it could be an actual club fashioned to look like a sandwich). Or you could club a sandwich flat with a club, making it a "clubbed sandwich." You could also club that sandwich with your sandwich club for even more pun fun!
Perhaps somewhere there's a group of witches that get together and think of different sandwiches to make. That would be a sandwich club for witches, which would probably be named "Club Sandwitch."
The possibilities are endless!
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Zeff Voxwordy is the most famous comedian in this galactic quadrant! He's written numerous holo-tomes, performed in both high and low gravity, and hosted "Are You More Cerebral Than A Zrith Gourder?" He now presents his newest comedy routine, "You Might Be A Splorbo If..." and it has the known universe in stitches. Are you a Splorbo? It's time to find out!
You might be a Splorbo if...
1. You lose control of your nexxle gland and attack your friends.
2. Your blorch collapses and kills more than one litter of skreps.
3. The liquid methane punch is over-belked but you can metabolize it.
4. Your idea of a good dimensional warp is obtaining Screedon gear!
5. There's a poorly-maintained Drek Zarbler on your vacation moon.
6. You dye your lawn blue once a week...even if you have a pet xrookle.
7. When you were a larva you had your birthday parties at Bleebleks.
8. You think "spending creb" means glechifying and nepping a spreg!
9. You zorg bladders fill up but you can't rise to the Mekosphere.
10. Your species has 3 sexes and you never receive a Flobbergatter!
Here's what the critics have to say about Zeff's new act:
"It had me slapping all 6 of my knees" - The Arachnidragon, supreme ruler of Ordan
"So funny that I deflated 4 of my air bladders and fell into the lower atmosphere!" - Jiloridar Bleeip, leader of the Mexar Plion Cult
"I blew sulfuric acid out of every head orifice!" - Hegle A. Dremilin, housemite of Kruge Stelblan