Friday, June 26, 2015

Meditations On Roadkill

Possum in headlights.
I'm lining up my tires and...
Pow! A direct hit!

April thunderstorm
brings out the little froggies
to get squashed by cars.

As I mow the ditch,
blades clog momentarily…
then feathers blow out.

Little spring swallow
slams right into my windshield–
sliding down slowly.

I wasn't looking
when I backed down the driveway.
Now my cat is flat.

Chihuahua yapping–
and then a thud from the road.
Silence is golden!

Around and around
goes the frog on the bus tire–
less of it each time.

Stupid chipmunk, why
did you wait so long to run?
That truck got you good.

Thursday, June 25, 2015


The year was 2155. Rampant use of Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs) began to manifest itself in strange ways. The addition of shark DNA was supposed to make produce items more healthy to eat; instead it made them bigger, smarter, and more mobile. Farmers weren't prepared for their crops growing teeth and marching against them. In a bloody revolt, the veracious veggies began taking back the land. The fruitpocalypse had begun, and now we were the ones on the menu!

Friday, June 12, 2015

Fryday Haiku

Burger and french fries…
an American classic.
Greasy to the max!

At drive-thru speaker
but no one is answering:
dumbass teenagers.

Hardee's employees
aren't trained to enter coupons–
don't even bother.

Burger King french fries
taste vaguely like motor oil…
yet I still eat them.

Pretzel crust pizza
with a cheddar cheese sauce:
the thought makes me gag.

I keep telling them
extra fries instead of slaw–
and still they forget.

Zaxby's does it right.
Excellent food and service...
uh, most of the time.

Breakfast at Arby's.
Found a roach in my hashbrown.
I smell a lawsuit!

Giraffe Necks Be So Long

Stop being so long, giraffe necks. You're doin' it wrong.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Larva Lamp!

Hippies unite! It's the official Larva Lamp! Available for the first time to Earthlings, it's THE original psychedelic light source! Bask in the trippy glow of the Neptunian Ice Beetle as it squirms in its cryotube. Marvel as it morphs through every grotesque larval stage–eventually emerging as an unstoppable minion of chaos! Incubation takes a few Earth years, so sit back and enjoy the groovy colors until then (LSD not included).

Neptunian Ice Beetles are ferocious but loyal. Feed it a steady diet of Earth rats twice a day and it'll become a fierce friend to be reckoned with! Upon reaching adulthood, it'll need at least a 10 mile radius to roam around in and a few cows a day for sustenance…but that's your problem, so we don't care. All hail Blorktahr, overlord of superior products! End transmission!