The Sound Of French Fries: Christmas Edition 3

Seasonings' greetings!

Have some salty and greasy

fast food haiku poems!

The 3rd video in my "The Sound Of French Fries: Christmas Edition" series, featuring narrated zen poems with holiday jazz.

Eggnog Fog Jog Dog

Come on, folks...you know there'd be a lot more pop-in without it. One minute it's polyhere, and the next minute it's polygone.

Black Friday Haiku 2

Turkey day again,

but everybody's mind is

on the sales instead.

The 2nd video in my Black Friday haiku series, featuring narrated haiku poems with holiday muzak.

The Smeagol Has Landed

Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings on the moon? What nonsense is this?

#thesmeagolhaslanded

The Sound Of French Fries: Halloween Edition

Halloween haiku!

Don't think fast food is scary?

Then bite into this!

A spooktacular Halloween edition of The Sound Of French Fries! Ever bitten down on a bone in your chicken sandwich in the pale moonlight?

Winchestershire Mystery Sauce

Have you searched high and low for a sauce that's perfect for every occasion? Available for the first time to mortals, Winchestershire Mystery Sauce™ is the only condiment made with genuine ectoplasm, taken directly from the weeping walls of the Winchester Mystery Mansion. You've never summoned flavor like this!

Years of seances have transformed the Winchester mansion into the perfect distillery for wine and spirits, and we're passing on the magic to you! With just a few shakes, Winchestershire Mystery Sauce™ gives burgers a real kick and instantly devils any egg! It's soul good it'll have you speaking in tongues! Pick up a bottle on location or at a curiosity shop near you...if you dare!

Disclaimer: Winchestershire Mystery Sauce™ is not intended for mortal consumption. The Winchester estate shall not be held responsible for any possessions, poltergeist activity (poultry-related or otherwise), or any other supernatural shenanigans associated with the presence of this product (because legally these things don't exist, so shut up). Does not contain gluten.

The following is a secret incantation spoken before each bottle of Winchestershire Sauce is made...

Oh, Winchester spirits

struck down in days of old,

we ask for your assistance

to make our flavor bold!

The gun that won the west

dealt you a bitter hand,

but you'll exact revenge

if you heed our command.

From the twisting stairways

we offer you reprieve.

Converge now, wayward souls

for the taste we'll achieve!

Enter now this bottle

and we'll mix in the rest.

We seek to make a sauce

that no one will contest!

A condiment so wicked

no tongue can dare resist!

Winchestershire Sauce,

we beg of you, exist!

The Apocalyptic World of Dumpster Donuts

Is this a TV show or a line of Madball-like toys? I don't know...you decide.

You'll find us in the trash

at the end of every day,

being chewed on by the rats...

slowing rotting away.

We are the forgotten,

the lost and tortured souls!

We are the discarded

dumpster donut holes!

Carted away in trucks

to a landfill unknown.

Together lumped in piles,

but somehow still alone.

And as the fire burns,

a bulldozer arrives.

Now we're being buried–

screaming for our lives!

Back at the bakery,

each day it happens again.

For an hour we are fresh,

then we're tossed into the can!

Oh, woe is our poor dough!

A twisted fate untold

for the munchkins that remain 

eternally unsold.

Transpearent

Are you prepeared for more puns?

Little Derpie's Discount Donuts

Hey, penny-pinchers! Stop blowing cash at that fancy-pants donuttery in the big city! Why pay $3 a donut when you can get a whole dozen for $1? That's right, Little Derpie™ brand discount donuts are disturbingly cheap and available at a dollar store near you!

So what if they're past expiration and have a few crushed lightbulbs mixed in? Little Derpie™ donuts are the greatest barely edible treats you'll ever consume! Saving money is the best flavor of all!

Little Derpie's donuts–

at your local dollar store!

They're made from mostly sawdust

and junk we scraped off the floor.

Our logo is a girl scout

so you'll blindly trust our word

when we say our food's the best

and doesn't taste like a turd.

You'll smile at the fact

that you saved a lot of cash,

while your stomach is bleeding

and you break out in a rash.

Our products are poorly wrapped,

stale and hard as a rock.

Some people say they'd rather

chew on a dirty sock.

But being thrifty is smart

as everybody knows!

So eat our crappy donuts,

or...just toss 'em to the crows.

Blob Fish Meme

I don't always post memes...but when I do, I put blob fish in them.

Donut Haiku 3

Love me some donuts!

Here's more zen poems about them.

Eat up and enjoy.

This is the 3rd video in my "Donut Haiku" series, featuring narrated zen poems about donuts with relaxing background music.

Gorillas In The Myst

Gorillas would probably be bored by it, too.

Fun With Puns 2

More Fun With Puns! There's a clue in each frame...can you guess them all? Answers below.

A. Chew-Chew Train

B. Meateor

C. Pen-guin

D. Stool Pigeon

E. AlgeBra

F. Commode-o Dragon

G. Doenut

H. Hypotenoose

Sign Fail: Fire_orks

Found this store sign fail in Cartersville, GA.

Note: Orc image taken from Orcs Must Die.

Fun With Puns

Fun with puns! Can you figure them all out? Answers below.

A. Giraft     

B. Dirigibull

C. BalLoon  

D. Piethon

E. Seefood

F. Reese's Monkey

G. Chilly Pepper

Fryday Haiku: Culvers

Look what just opened:

Culver's! My new choice grease pit!

Crunchy onion rings!

Culver's has burgers

fried stuff, and ice cream to boot.

Watch out, Dairy Queen!

Their chicken's not bad

and their fries are average.

Otter's is better.

Damn, Culver's is slammed...

is it really that good or

just because it's new?

They have seafood, too...

and it's actually fresh!

Captain D's, you're fired.

A couple of fryday haiku for you, on account of a new Culver's opening up in my area...right across from a Dairy Queen. Oh snap, it's on!

K9-17 Bullpup Assault Rifle

K9-17 "The Big Dawg" Bullpup Rifle

Y'all need serious firepower? Then take a gander at the new .45 caliber K9-17 Bullpup Assault Rifle, known in these parts as the "Big Dawg." Squirrels givin' you a ruff time? This hoss will splatter them critters good. Hogzilla eatin' all yer cabbage? It'll kill that dead too, I tell you what. And of course it's 100% made in 'Murica, baby! Yeehaw! Now you've got a dawg in this fight!

Now available at Curbela's, yer friendly neighborhood death dispensary!

Haiku Review: Pretzel Chicken Fries

Pretzel chicken fries:

Burger King's new greasy trap!

9 piece for 3 bucks.

I'm a bit at odds...

pretzel as chicken breading?

Weird, but I'll try it.

Salty and crispy.

The pretzel taste is masked since

it's been fried to hell.

When I got mine, it

wasn't really a 9 piece...

more like tons of crumbs.

Thick pretzel coating.

Slinky chicken cuts, but good.

Not bad, Burger King.

Poison Scone

Poison Scone (aka Sconed To Death)

A thought occurred to me when I was alone,

that I could cook a poison scone

 and feed it to someone I hate.

Hey, wouldn't that be great?

I could take them out in one fell swoop;

they wouldn't have a chance to poop

before they puked out all their guts...

but now you probably think I'm nuts.

Before you label me insane,

just run it through your puny brain...

how good it would be to smite a foe

with just a frosted ball of dough!

Cyanide is all it would take...

mix it in and then you bake.

And when it's done you can serve it with tea,

and laugh to yourself maniacally!

Then after your victim starts to gag,

you can stuff them in a body bag

and roll them down a steep ravine

so they won't be heard or seen!

It's not such a bad way to go

if you think about it, you know?

To choke upon a deadly treat...

revenge has never been so sweet!

The Sound Of French Fries 5

The fryer's warmed up...

are you ready for some more

deep fried haiku poems?

This is the 5th video in my "The Sound Of French Fries" video series, featuring narrated haiku poems about fast food set to relaxing zen music. No fast food joint is safe, the gauntlet is off!

Fryasaurs

I tried Popeye's fries.

They're peppery like Checkers.

Greasy, but still good.

Popeye's chicken: yum!

Chickens descend from T-Rex.

A spicy revenge!

Fiery Alien Head

And now, for no reason...here's an alien head on fire.

MLFG Preview: Where Have All The Monsters Gone?

One more preview from my upcoming book, More Lullabies For Goblins...

Where Have All The Monsters Gone?

Where have all the monsters gone

that lived in days gone by?

We're told they went extinct,

but nobody knows why.

Is an asteroid from space

the cause of their tragic fate?

Or was it climate change?

It's still open for debate.

The animals of today

are comparatively dull.

I want to see something huge

with horns coming out of its skull!

Oh, where have all the monsters gone...

the ones with the gaping jaws

and the dangling necks

that defy nature's laws?

Do not lament their passing,

for some have eluded death.

In the cloudiest lakes and jungles

their ancestors draw breath.

So have your camera ready,

and never let down your guard.

For someday you might find

a monster in your backyard!

The Many Repulsive Flavors Of Mayo

5 jars of mayo.

Each a different flavor.

All equally gross.

Rhymania: What Is A Chair?

What Is A Chair?

What is a chair?

A place to sit, a place to eat?

A place to rest your weary feet?

Nailed together wood

with leather stapled to it good.

Made from the finest hide

 with feathers shoved inside!

What is a chair?

A place to ponder, a place to weep?

A place for lazy cats to sleep?

A cushion for the pushin'–

it's where your butt calls home.

A piece of recycled plastic

stuffed with a slab of foam.

What is a chair?

A place to spin, a place to swivel?

A place to plan and snivel?

Ever thought it cruel

to sit on a leather stool

knowing that something died

so you could sit with pride?

What is a chair?

A place to lean, a place to lie?

A place to shrivel up and die?

All these things and more–

that's what a chair is for.

At least that's what they say...

but who cares, anyway?

Got Zombies?

Got Zombies? Well, do ya?

Top Of The Mourning To Ya

Q: What do leprechauns say to each other when a loved one dies?

A: Top Of The Mourning To Ya!

A Leprechaun Eulogy

Here lies Sheamus O'Leary.

He liked to count his gold

'til one day someone found him

lifeless, stiff, and cold.

He drank himself to death,

as the Irish tend to do.

It seems his liver exploded;

after that, he was through.

All the luck in the world

couldn't save him from the drink.

I wrote this eulogy quick

because he's startin' to stink.

So we stuffed him in this box

and bid our last farewell.

He's pushin' up clovers now

and downin' pints in hell.

Nacho Fries!

News flash for foodies:

Taco Bell has french fries now!

The cheese sauce is gross.

Q: What do you call lightly spiced fries that aren't yours that come with a fake cheese sauce and were trucked in instead of cut fresh?

A: Nacho Fries.

Tide Pod Fever

Kids these days be eatin' up dem Tide Pods like crazy, yo!

Hey, here's a challenge for you...STOP EATING TIDE PODS!!!

Riddle Of The Sphinx

I mingle with the ancient,

a traveler through time.

Behold, I am The Sphinx –

master of riddle and rhyme!

Solve for me this query

to prove you're not a rookie.

You'll earn a place in the stars...

and maybe get a cookie.

This one is quite simple –

I'll make it easy for you.

The tapestry above

should yield a clue or two.

You live in me and give in me.

I'm not what came before or what's in store,

but some would do better to focus on me more.

What am I?

Kmart Haiku

Kmart is dying.

Here's some haiku about it.

Blue light: extinguished.

A few haiku about the rise and fall of Kmart. We made fun of you back in the day, but now we're sad to see you go. Thanks for all the cheap crap.

Cactus Pick-Up Lines

What if cacti used pick-up lines on each other?

Valentine's Day Haiku 2

It's about time for

another Valentine's vid.

Hope you enjoy it!

This is the 2nd video in my Valentine's haiku series. Take some time to relax and reflect on this horrifically hyped Hallmark holiday.