Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Zit Zen 2: Proactiv Shower

Morning ritual:
pop my zits in the mirror,
dab with alcohol.

Humongous back zit.
Found its center and pinched hard!
My shirt is wet now.

Thin strips of yellow
worm their way out of my pores
when I squeeze my chin.

The older the zit,
the more yellow the contents.
If it's gold, it's old.

Don't pop zits in space
because in zero gravity
it floats all around.

Nope, those aren't freckles–
it's a legion of blackheads.
Not so cute now, huh?

You are what you eat.
So if you love pizza, your
face turns into one.

Zitty teenager:
just one forehead wipe would be
enough to cook with.

Got acne problems?
Take a Proactiv shower.
It has granules! Yay!

To hide the grossness,
girls with acne use makeup...
but lumps still show through.

Inner ear pimple:
hard to reach and hurts like hell!
Need a barbed Q-Tip.

For backne outbreaks,
try using a back scratcher.
Wash it afterwards.

Whitehead on my nose!
It must've formed overnight.
A firm pinch will do.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Gallentine's Day

The heart is the official organ of Valentine's Day, so it's easy to forget about our other fleshy, pulsing friends–such as the gall bladder. How about sending your secret crush a gall bladder this year? It's the perfect way to say "I had the gall to speak up and ask you out!"

Or what about eyeballs? Sending her an eyeball sends the clear message of "I've been staring at you through the bushes for weeks."

If you're in a serious relationship, a roll of intestines is the perfect way to say "We're going to be together a LONG time!"

Think about it...what organ would you send your Valentine, and why?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Zit Zen (aka Simple Pimple Poems)

Giant forehead zit.
And did I mention that it's
yearbook photo day?

Sure, my nose looks clean...
but closer in the mirror
a field of blackheads.

I ate at Hardee's,
and just ten minutes later
zits form on my back.

To pop your pimples,
use a sterilized needle.
Yeah, right. Who does that?

Pesky earlobe zit.
I keep squeezing and squeezing.
Endless grease geyser!

It's uncanny, but
that's not the surface of Mars–
it's my face up close.

Thick amber nugget
rolls out of the zit I popped.
Smells like McDonald's.

So many blackheads!
Squeezing them all is futile...
just makes my face red.

Popped my nostril zit.
It made a greasy SNAP! noise
and squirted five feet.

Hey there, crater face...
stop picking at those pimples.
Heard of Proactiv?

Might as well call it:
I'm a total pizza face.
High-school life ruined.

Old crusty blackhead
long overdue to be milked:
watch it whizzle out!