Tuesday, December 16, 2014

UFO Thoughts 8: Specter Of An Inspector

Have you ever seen the specter of an inspector? The one I saw was named Thomas Ridgeborrow; he soaked his feet in acid because he was tired of being called a gumshoe.

Sunday called, margaritas are free!

Worm-like earpiece, don't ask why.

If you want to wax impervious, I say buy a new metrical.

It runs tomorrow, just hit me with a fruitcake!

Don't listen to them, all you need to fix your washing machine is a bicycle pump and an electric eel.

The impact of luggage–how I love the sound!

If you shout the word "gingerbread" during a full moon, the nearest pencil will spin around and warp to another dimension.

Comet Burger has awesome french fries, too bad they only exist in my mind.

…chocolate window pane. Hand me the screwdriver, please.

Whenever I see a briefcase I want to paint a smile on it.

I came here to throw it…over the fence, I think.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Fast Food Faceoff: Burritos

In this edition of Fast Food Faceoff we take a look at burritos…how do they stack up against the commercial? Like burgers, they often come stuffed in a soggy wrapper and are slimy, stale, and more shriveled than advertised. And as always, they look like they've been smashed by a sledgehammer.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Goblin's Den YouTube Channel: The Sound Of French Fries

The Goblin's Den now has a YouTube channel! For the moment, this channel will be used mainly for haiku presentations. The first video, The Sound Of French Fries, is now up. A big thanks to my friend Nathan Bennett for compiling this and doing the voice work. Check it out!

You can see these haiku and more in my upcoming book, Haiku For Slugs, so stay tuned for further info.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Return Of The Poultrygeist

It was the night before Thanksgiving and the wife and I had just settled into bed. Shortly after dozing off, I heard a rustling in the kitchen. "Must be the cats," I thought to myself…but then the refrigerator started making some loud, bizarre noises. I quietly got up so as not to disturb anyone and tip-toed out into the kitchen. To my horror, I saw the turkey baster and a few other utensils flying through the air–dancing in a circle above the kitchen table. Against my better judgement, I opened the refrigerator door to cast eyes upon the source of the disturbance…

What I saw defied logic, but there it was: It was a horrid landscape–a boiling sea of cranberry sauce with the bones of a thousand turkeys bobbing in it. Potato salad chunks fell from the sky like hail, and then it emerged through the purple fog–the poultrygeist itself! The Thanksgiving turkey had become possessed and hurled itself at me, but I slammed the fridge door just in time. I woke up the wife and kids and we high-tailed it into the car. We drove to her mother's house where we spent the night, barely speaking a word to each other of the spectacle we had just witnessed. Our family ate Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral that year…needless to say, we never returned to that house.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Grocery Store Denizens: Aldi Baldie

Aldi Baldies are a dangerous species of alien pet that use Aldi grocery stores as their stomping ground at night. Their alien masters beam them down to wreak havoc and gobble up off-brand twinkies (they also love Mama Cozzi pizzas, the cheapest frozen pizzas in the universe). Aldi Baldies are very agile and powerful for their size–plus they spit acid and wail like a banshee. Don't be caught in an Aldi parking lot after dark!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

UFO Thoughts 7: Ham Legs

No, ham legs. No movement!

The scan lines were laughing, mocking me with discontent!

Aliens stole my dentures, they do it all the time.

I heard a banjo playing in my office the other day. It was coming from the trash can, but nothing was inside.

Tiny hat, tiny hat! Give yourself some applause!

I've grown accustomed to being a lute. Are you free Saturday night?

Youth!!! Sit down.

Never poke a pigsly…they're full of tickets, and not the good kind.

There's a lot of beverage, especially in the living room.

Watch out, a sneak face is behind you!

The shape of people's differences…is what they must overcome.

Problem is, the police have been offered the real thing. I go without.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

First Zombie Of The Year

It's almost October,
and Halloween is near.
So here you go, people...
first zombie of the year!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

UFO Thoughts 6: Delivery To Nowhere

The package was round, unshippable even. Its magnetic force was stronger than any of us had ever encountered at the post office. It came from another place.

…love letters to Mable, but who knows why?

Designer afros are a planned perkov.

The word "crumpet" is fun to say. I often whisper it to myself over and over. Some people make a hobby of it, aptly named "crumpet whispering".

It's nice to fly into a brick wall now and then. Clears the sinuses, you know.

Well, it tends to washcloth…I thought.

Broadway in a pan, although not my idea of a good sermon.

Choked by suspenders in the most obvious way, I was able to reach the glue before dirkfall.

Temperature drop, it's so interactive!

I should like to enjoy a fish-bought turntable.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Grocery Store Denizens: Kroger Ogre

Beware the Kroger Ogre! These massive monstrosities are the perfect stock employees for Kroger. They can lift heavy loads and reach high shelves with ease, although they do tend to crush some items accidentally (which accounts for those caved-in cereal boxes you see). Just don't ask them where the frozen pretzels are--they don't know.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Fast Food Faceoff: French Fries

French fries in fast food commercials are always shown standing erect and cooked to golden perfection. The reality is that you'll probably order a large and get screwed over by it being half full…and they'll be soggy and undercooked. Worst of all, sometimes you'll get a fry that tastes like rat shit (barf!).

Sunday, August 10, 2014

UFO Thoughts 5: Atomic Beagle Hat

You should be proud of your jeans, they bring you eternity!

Atomic Beagle Hat. I am original pliers, so let the cargo free.

…goggles on a roller coaster seat.

Ketchup is a responsibility--the most basic of needs.

How do you like your vision of cashmere?

Inquisitive primate, quit beating your own head. It's not my fault you have a parasite!

I'm at odds with a lot of things that a frog might do.

Madison just got a $12,000 nose job; I'll meet you at crazy in a few years.

…rock oven. Next time, eviscerate the latent camera. 

Mad ultrasonic, but the eggs were crispy.

Don't fillet the gorgon, you might end up with a kid's firetruck.

A pocket full of cloves makes the brain go numb.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

50 Shades Of Grey Meat

From Patty Gris, the author of bestsellers A Tendon Runs Through It and The Bone Shard Chronicles comes 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, a veritable compendium of dark meat identification!

Blow the whistle on gristle with this "how to" guide that'll teach you everything you need to know about grey meat…including historical facts about the dark age of McDonalds in the 1980s, availability of breast to thigh ratios from KFC based on international surveys, and valuable knowledge by industry experts. "One way to identify grey meat chicken nuggets is to hold them up against a flashlight," says professor Ed Knorpel from the University Of Cluckington, Ohio. "A trained eye can tell by the subtle color differences. In the absence of a strong light source, you can always use the take-a-small-bite-and-spit-into-napkin approach."

With 50 Shades Of Grey Meat, you'll never mistakenly order dark meat again--or fall into the rib meat trap of grocery store brands. And that's not all…this special edition includes additional tools for spotting: An LED mini-flashlight, handy swatch cards, and gristle whistle!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

New! Sticker & Magnets - July 2014

New bumper stickers / magnets are available at my CafePress shop. Give those tailgaters the snail treatment! Check out these experimental designs and more at www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Fast Food Faceoff: Burgers

Fast food commercials always portray their burgers as being juicy, fresh, and served on a fancy plate. What you really get is a sad, flat piece of crap in wax paper. The lettuce is old and has rot spots on it, and I'm pretty sure the rest is made of soy. Let's compare the commercial to reality, shall we?

Friday, June 13, 2014

Uncle Spam Wants YOU!

Uncle Spam wants YOU to eat more meat! Lettuce join the war on salad and do our part to serve up justice--thinly sliced and crispy! The path ahead is not cut and dry, it's a mystery of sticky unknowns and possibly bone shards. Together we will can hunger and preserve our children's future in a clear slime!

It's official, the new colors of the American flag are Red, White, Blue, and Pink (with dark purple speckle spots here and there)!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

UFO Thoughts 4: The War On Salad

 "Dragon Dragon" is a new flavor of pudding that tastes like crocodile.

The war on salad never ends.

Exploding toasters have become a nuisance in Ireland. The first amendment says otherwise.

Bored yet? But we still have to find my rabbit, Pesco.

Limited monkey process the northern gate! Every October 17th, I like to use my neighbor's harmonica as a doorstop.

The eyeball has you. Don't forget to wipe your shoes!

Razors are sold in six packs because they're afraid someone might swallow them.

Ok, moving on to the next capri. Jerks.

Steadfast, men…this isn't going to be a normal breakfast!

Here we go again with the candlesticks. Is there any reprise?!

Monday, June 2, 2014

UFO Thoughts 3: Mars Or Somewhere

Codwell is the second most recipient of trousers.

Strange hut. Performing the internship ritual was nothing but a crammed, oblivious train worm.

Next rope to the hideous entropy. You bloated the plains grammar for the last time, buddy!

Mops are not my fault, seriously.

What's in that pouch? See you in the parking lot!

With her eyes fixed on the lantern, the almighty freeway is a conduit.

…sold muffins, but that isn't the whole story.

You suck, it's couch day. Can you stomach that?

Scream in a town, scream in a town--and then the wagon turned over.

Drinking fern juice is a surefire way to get a magenta headache.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Moth-er's Day

It's that time of year again when we pay tribute to moths and moth collectors everywhere. Happy Moth-er's Day!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Problems With Invisible Koalas?

Did you know that invisible koalas are the #1 cause of house fires in the world? Introducing ToxiCo brand "Invisikoala Killer" (™), the only spray that poisons and kills invisikoalas on contact! Put those fire-breathing marsupial maniacs to rest for good with Invisikoala Killer!

DISCLAIMER: ToxiCo is not responsible for fires started by invisikoalas or the spawning of random inter-dimensional weirdos. Invisikoala Killer may also be lethal to regular koalas.