Sunday, July 26, 2015

GMOverload 2: Ice Scream

In July of 2123, a large shipment of ice cream was recalled by the Margie Moo company. The only explanation given was that there was a "quality control" issue, but a few consumers knew the whole truth. With incidents as early as May of that year, reports emerged of ice cream that would scream for mercy as it was about to be eaten!

It appears that human DNA had been introduced into several batches of artificial cow's milk–giving the ice cream human-like traits. The recalled shipments were supposedly dumped in a Florida landfill, where residents attest you can still hear it screaming. More outlandish claims say that the ice cream is bubbling together into anthropomorphic forms–even making tools and banding together into a small civilization.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Multi-Mouth Shark

Science has discovered a new, ultra-rare species of shark. Dubbed the Multi-Mouth, its distinguishing feature is that it has multiple jaws extending out of its main pie-hole. Experts are baffled as to why it needs this many sets of teeth, but they aren't too surprised. "Sure, why not?" says Karen Reefhugger, a marine biologist from the University Of Florida. "We know of other weird-ass sharks like the Helicoprion that had a buzz-saw for its lower jaw, and the Stethacanthus that had an ironing board for a dorsal fin. Sure, those are extinct...but just look at other modern day sharks like the hammerhead, megamouth, and frill shark! I wouldn't be surprised if a species showed up with a torpedo launcher on its back, honestly."

The Multi-Mouth prefers to feed on another rare species of shark–the Cyclopsian Troll Fish. Cyclopsians are prevalent in the deep ocean worldwide, albeit in small numbers (their lack of depth-perception makes them easy prey for predators). Alas, the Multi-Mouth may soon go extinct because of its picky eating habits...unless they evolve legs and move onto land, in which case politely guide them to the nearest Captain D's.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

UFO Haiku: The Aliens Are Coming!

UFOs are real!
There's a worldwide cover-up.
The truth is out there!

What's that in the sky?
A flying disc with no sound–
then gone in a flash.

They're little grey men
who abduct people at night
for experiments.

Spiraling patterns
overnight in the wheat fields:
who or what made them?

UFO hoaxing
is easy, all you need is
a hubcap and string.

The government said
it was a weather balloon.
What a load of crap!

Orb crashing in lake
followed by a load rumbling
of helicopters.

City-wide blackout.
A shadow removes the stars.
It's the mothership!

Army trucks zoom by.
The one in the middle has
a tarped-over bell.

Space is infinite…
how could we be all alone?
Watch the skies for me.