Thursday, June 22, 2017
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
I found some special tea,
it came from a shady place.
The guy I got it from was green–
maybe from outer space.
So when I took it home,
I brewed it in the pot...
it gave off a funky smell
and started to smoke a lot.
After I let it cool,
I bravely had a taste.
It was good, I drank it all–
gulped it down with haste.
But now I'm feeling weird,
I think I drank too much.
I'm seeing peculiar things...
checkered patterns and such.
Everything is purple,
the walls are turning wavy.
Flying snakes appear,
my legs–they feel like gravy!
The ceiling's caving in,
chairs are walking around.
I feel like I'm gonna fall,
but which way is the ground?
I think I'll stay in tonight–
I shouldn't be on the road.
So I'll just chill on the couch
and talk to this 3-eyed toad.
Monday, May 29, 2017
More alien poems...
UF'Oh no you didn't!
Deal with it, humans.
This is the third video in my "The Aliens Are Coming" series, featuring narrated haiku poems about those little grey weirdos from space. This entry is narrated by agent "Albatross", a former CIA operative; his voice has been distorted to conceal his identity.
Friday, May 5, 2017
It's Cinco De Mayo, so here's a preview poem from my next book, More Lullabies For Goblins.
Where Mayonnaise Comes From
Where does mayonnaise come from?
I know where it does...
it comes from a creature called a Dromit:
it has white skin and purple fuzz.
It lives on the planet Mars–
they have farms of them all around
where they're kept in secret bases
deep in the underground.
Mucus is squeezed from their noses
with specialized, pressurized hoses...
then it's packaged in various ways
and labeled as "Mayonnaise."
So next time you eat a burger,
remember to thank the Dromit.
Hold your nose while scarfing it down,
and try your best not to vomit!
Saturday, April 22, 2017
words out of the blue!
Not intended to rhyme,
but sometimes they do!
Today is darker; do you have any envelopes?
I ate a pie off the ground to celebrate!
It's a requirement, so pack your bags and head for the genuinely porked maple facility.
Gene trap! Hey, here's ta-claim?
...standard alliance. Always in the corner is a goat's head.
They will not understand an ivory pigeon, but food for thought!
1st place was "Assault On Cookieville."
You are part of a jump-fed cactus!
Never be a lever...ever!
When the world that already was...just because.
...the horses with a hand-held.
So, ate all the rice? Now pay the price!
You bring my notebook and my airlines fun!
There ain't no jellybeans on this side of the British Isles.
Have a great time at the minx refinery!
...to never be a cat bus. Wood lice?
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Sunday, April 9, 2017
As "Prepear Yourself" month at the Pretentia art museum continues, we're proud to pearsent another sneak peek from the exhibit. Pearapsychology is a popular addition, focusing on the psychic abilities of the human mind as seen from a unique pearspective.
Pearafin is an interesting piece as well, featuring candles made out of a pear-based wax invented by the artist. And of course there's the crowd favorite, Pearasite, a genetically-engineered blood-sucking fruit terror from hell (let's just hope it doesn't escape).
Don't miss your chance to see the "Prepare Yourself" exhibit–it's the pearfect way to spend the weekend...but it's only on display until April 24th!
Saturday, April 1, 2017
23 years ago today, Super Metroid debuted on the Sega Genesis. It redefined the action/platformer genre with it's intuitive map system, exploratory gameplay, and the best usage of blast processing yet seen on a home console. Due to an overabundance of awesomeness, it utilized a 40 Meg cartridge which inflated the retail price to around $100...but nobody cared because it was freakin' sick!
GamePro magazine gave Super Metroid a respectable score of 82/100, but criticized its murky color palette and sub-par soundtrack. "It's a shame Super Metroid couldn't have debuted on slightly more powerful hardware," says GamePro editor Dexter Nerdsfeld. "Maybe then the music wouldn't have sounded like bees fighting in a tin can."
Despite pitiful sales figures and mediocre reviews from some outlets, Super Metroid is still recognized as a landmark title in the gaming industry–and certainly a must-own on the Genesis console. Metroid remains one of Sega's best-selling franchises to this day.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Here we see a few highlights from the Prepear Yourself art exhibit. In addition to paintings and sculptures by the artist, a few other attractions are present...such as the Pearrot, a genetically-engineered creature made from the cells of a pear and a parrot. Genius!
The organism itself is a bit tempearamental, but is no doubt a breakthrough in genetic research. "How the artist FrOoT was able to produce a stable organism from fruit and bird cells is astounding," says geneticist Krueger Splicealot. "I observed the Pearrot myself, and can attest that it's a thriving, viable creature–it didn't explode or melt into an organic sludge one bit! Granted, it makes a mess defecating everywhere...and it ate my wife's finger when she tried to feed it, but that's art for you."
The Prepear Yourself exhibit is on display in Atlanta at the Pretentia museum until April 24.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
A sensational new art exhibit is on display at the Pretentia art museum! Entitled Prepear Yourself, it features an array of paintings and sculptures created by internationally-renowned French artist, FrOoT. It's a spectacular display of high art inspired by dreams of a Pearallel universe.
Our own journalist, Natah Vejtible, sat down with FrOoT for an interview:
Natah: Thanks for being here today! I think the question on everyone's mind is, "Why pears?"
FrOoT: Of course. I had a dream one night about a pearallel universe where everything revolved around pears...so I got up and just started creating, you know?
Natah: What was the first work you created for this exhibit?
FrOoT: My first work was A Pair Of Pears, a male and female pear made out of pear resin. I think it speaks volumes about the human condition–about how we're really all like fruit. We desperately claw for a meaningful relationship before we shrivel up and turn brown in the sun. Yet some of us just fall to the ground alone and get eaten by birds.
Natah: Uh, ok...I guess that makes sense. "Prepear Yourself" has currently been on a world tour display in 24 cities now! Did you expect to receive such a positive response for this exhibit?
FrOoT: I didn't, actually...but I'm very pleased with how people pearceive it! ;)
Natah: Haha, I see what you did there. Do you have a favorite sculpture or painting?
FrOoT: I think Pear Of Pants speaks to me the most. It's a commentary on the social and political status of the world today. Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time; we're all squishy and vulnerable to the forces of nature.
Natah: I think I get it, yeah. Well, thank you for your time!
FrOoT: You're welcome, it's been a pearleasure.
"Prepear Yourself" will be on display at the Pretentia museum in Atlanta, GA until April 24. It features 42 different works of art, a mini roller coaster, and a surprise pearamilitary ambush at the end. It's an exhibit beyond compear!
*Here's just a few of the many works on display:
• A Pair Of Pears (pear resin sculpture)
• Pearadox (pear paste on canvas)
• Peariodontitis (crayon on construction paper)
• Pearachute (pear resin sculpture, suspended by wire)
• Pearanoid (pear paste on canvas)
• Sepearate (macaroni on sandstone)
• Pear Of Pants (gastric acid on graham cracker)
• The Pearrot (organism made from pear/parrot cells)
*See promotional pamphlet for full list
Friday, March 17, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
There's a sandwich under my couch,
it's been there for a week.
The bread is turning green
and it's starting to reek.
I only took one bite
and decided that was enough...
so I slid it under my couch
with all my other stuff.
The stench intensifies
with each passing day,
but somehow I keep forgetting
to throw that sandwich away.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual sandwiches under couches is purely coincidental.
Monday, February 20, 2017
not really that romantic.
Cupid is stupid.
Another haiku video, this time about everyone's favorite corporate-created love holiday. Chintzy teddy bears, expensive chocolate strawberries, and chalky hearts–that's what it's all about. But don't let that stop you from gettin' it on.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
FryDay the 13th:
thinking about french fries and
Here's my Top 5 list for Scariest Fast Food Restaurants:
1. KFC: They always get my order wrong; I think the employees are zombies.
2. Hardee's: Extremely slow, always understaffed.
3. Bojangles': Phantom menu items / overall just deserted and spooky.
4. Krystal: If you can find one it's probably filthy inside.
5. Dairy Queen: Undead franchise. How are they still alive?
Sunday, January 8, 2017
This planet is a salad best devoured!
And so, I screamed into the night, "Distilled meatloaf!"
...the day when the nagging pots arrive.
The moon has a bath toy, this time I'm sure of it!
Give this mom a cookie-dookie!
...the drugs were yellow.
A lampshade discount, but only for us travelers.
Did someone order this mannequin head? I tell ya, it just hasn't been my day.
A flying nose for certain, and the tentacles are often there too.
I'd say thank you for your fingertips!
Glad stars, I'll have you know! I witness them fading...slowly.
Wrong pen! Particles of freedom...but not here.
...dragon eel has spikes on it. Rooster time!
Anything's a wedding.
You are now a liquid; say goodbye to buffalos!
Just so you know, your football utensils will be confiscated.