Friday, December 8, 2017

Holiday Horror Cinema


This week's feature presentations at Holiday Horror Cinema:

Poultrygeist 2: The Turkeying

Something in this house has gone afowl! Thanksgiving seemed the perfect time for Chuck Cluckington and his family to break in their new rural home, but there's more to the property than meets the eye. After encountering flying utensils and disembodied bird noises, the family discovers their humble abode was built upon the remnants of a turkey farm–where thousands of turkeys were slaughtered for Thanksgiving! The feathered phantoms have converged into one malevolent entity–a poultrygeist! Can the family find a way to put the avian entity to rest?

It Came From The Cranberry Swamp

From the critically acclaimed director of "Vampire Elves" and "The Mayhem Steamroller" comes a new foray into holiday horror! When a shipment of cranberry sauce gets derailed into a swamp, it fuses with the fetid waters and becomes a sentient, gelatinous creature. As it slides through the city swallowing everything in its path, authorities struggle to subdue the mass. One scientist may hold the key as he studies the leftover cranberry sauce from a previous shipment by the same company that caused the spill...

Deviled Eggs

While on a mission to a distant planet, hungry explorers discover a cache of mysterious eggs and fry them up out of desperation; they savor the unique taste and decide to share them with Earth. However, a volatile proton storm strikes on the way back home and the crew finds it has an electrifying effect on the odd ovums: they begin hatching into devilish, toothed horrors–ravenous for flesh! A brutal game of hide-and-seek begins as the crew are devoured one by one. WARNING: The end may not be what you'd eggspect! One thing's for sure, this won't be going over easy!

Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday Haiku


Thanksgiving? What's that?
Who needs turkey when you can
shop 'til your feet bleed?

Here's a few haiku to ponder over as you plow through the stinking hordes on Black Friday. May the sales be ever in your favor.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Friday, November 10, 2017

Rhymania: Observation In Alien Head Rotation


No need for elation...
this is just an observation,
a simple inspiration:
alien head rotation!

Spinning heads in space:
each with a warping face–
a different humanoid race.
Now are you keeping pace?

Don't let it hurt your head...
it'll bug you 'til you're dead
if you think into what I've said–
or study the words you read.

YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OF BREAD!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Mystery Carcass


Another collage preview from More Lullabies For Goblins...

The Mystery Carcass

It washed up on the shore
a couple of days ago...
but exactly what it is,
nobody seems to know.

It won't fit on any scale,
'cause it's bigger than a whale–
and no pulley, crane, or winch
can budge the thing an inch.

Some scientists arrive
wearing shiny coats;
they snap a ton of pictures
and write a bunch of notes.

They use their instruments
to poke and prod its skin,
and peel away the fat
to collect the guts within.

One of them exclaims,
"It must be an Architeuthis!"
"Nonsense!" says another,
"It's a Megalodon, you doofus!"

Before the seagulls eat it,
they collect every piece they can
and stuff it into a freezer
in the back of their van.

As they haul its body away,
not much is left for the flies...
except for a greasy puddle
and a couple of eyes.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Soupernatural


Hey kids, have you ever wanted to have a healthy dinner and contact the great beyond at the same time? Well, now you can! With Sphincter & Gimble's new Soupernatural™pasta in a can, anything is possible! Chat with mysterious specters as you gulp down meat chunks & delightfully-shaped creepypasta, all mixed into a nutritious ectoplasm broth! Your tastebuds with be possessed with flavor, guaranteed! Just heat and eat!

And for all you grown-ups out there, you're never too old to enjoy Soupernatural™! Got no one to eat dinner with? No problem! With Soupernatural™, deceased friends & relatives will keep you company as you chow down (and hey...if they don't want to hang out, who knows what interesting characters may show up?). Every dinner is an adventure with Soupernatural™!

Contains all-natural (and supernatural) ingredients: hydrogenated corn starch, mega-gluten, demonized wheat husk, ectoplasm, spider webs, salt, suffering spirits, paprika, dried cyclops tongues, lizard tails, troll noses, skin milk, ritualized sugar.

Disclaimer: Sphincter & Gimble makes no guarantee relatives will appear during consumption of this product. Soupernatural™ should be considered a ritual and may require the presence of a qualified priest in order to avoid possession. Sphincter & Gimble will not be held responsible for souls lost, teleportation to the astral plane, or prolonged harassment by inter-dimensional entities.

Now available in original or extra screamy!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Naked Egg Taco = Barf


Naked Egg Taco?
You gross me out, Taco Bell.
Grease wrapped in grease. Yuck.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Hooray For The Grey!


Here's a preview from my upcoming book, Lullabies For Goblins Vol. 2...

Hooray For The Grey!

I've seen what people do–
they hook my friends with bait
and drag them to the surface
off to a cruel fate!

Stuffed in metal cans
they leave these sandy shores
to be wrapped in plastic
and sold in human stores.

But I'm safe from human hands–
quite sure of it, I am!
You won't find a piece of me
inside a can of Splam!

Oh, you're wondering why?
Alright, I suppose I'll say.
It's because their meat is white
and mine is stringy and grey.

Hooray for the grey!
They can't eat me!
While everyone fries in lard,
I'll be laughing in the sea!

Hooray for the grey!
'Cause my meat is as dark as the night!
One taste and you'll spit me out–
I dare you to take a bite!

Although it's still possible
I'll hit a propeller one day,
I'm safe from the nets at least...
so hooray for the grey, I say!

Hooray! Hooray!

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Donut Haiku 2


Hey, it's been a while.
Time for a new video:
Donut Haiku 2!

Check out Donut Haiku 2 and more of my videos on YouTube.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Rebelling Of The Spelling


Rebelling Of The Spelling

When I was in elementary school, I used to misspell words on purpose for fun. I called this "game" Rebelling Of The Spelling. First you write down a word spelled the correct way; then you attempt to misspell it in as many ways as possible (while still trying to make it sound correct). Here it is with the word "moon"...

Moon
  • Mewn
  • Mhoon
  • Muun
  • Mune
  • Muen
  • Moohn
  • Muen
  • Muune
  • Mounn
  • Mfoon (f is silent, can't you tell?)
  • Mphewn (ph is silent, deal with it)

HINT: Might want to turn off your auto-correct if you type these. Feel free to use silent letters to really confuse people.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

The Cutting Board: Bread Puns


The Cutting Board: A chatroom for insufferable bread-heads. WARNING: Pastry puns ahead.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

SpaceBook Chat: Climate Change & Spam


More SpaceBook conversations. CAUTION: Reading may lower your intelligence and spelling ability.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Space Boy: A Tim Burton Parody


Here's a doodle and short poem in the stylings of Tim Burton.

There once was a boy from space.
He had a really weird face,
so when he went to school
the other kids were cruel.

"How come your head's so big?"
is what they'd often say.
But little did they know,
he had a shrinking ray!

So he gave them all a ZAP!
and shrunk them down to size.
He fed them to the classroom frog
who gobbled them up like flies.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Show Of Hands


Show Of Hands is a handy, digit-al database commissioned by scholars across the galaxy in an exhaustive quest to catalogue every type of grasping appendage in the universe. Organisms need to manipulate their surroundings–especially if they are to create tools and master space travel, and it's a safe bet they'll need opposable thumbs to do it.

From frisky frog fingers to wily webbed whatsits, Show Of Hands will let you know exactly what type of freak was knocking on your window or pattin' around under your bedroom door at 3 AM. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Cactus Haiku



Yes, cactus haiku...
a batch of prickly poems for
your viewing pleasure.

Just a few cactus-themed zen poems. Visit my official YouTube channel for even more humorous haiku.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Friday, June 2, 2017

InsaniTea


InsaniTea

I found some special tea,
it came from a shady place.
The guy I got it from was green–
maybe from outer space.

So when I took it home,
I brewed it in the pot...
it gave off a funky smell
and started to smoke a lot.

After I let it cool,
I bravely had a taste.
It was good, I drank it all–
gulped it down with haste.

But now I'm feeling weird,
I think I drank too much.
I'm seeing peculiar things...
checkered patterns and such.

Everything is purple,
the walls are turning wavy.
Flying snakes appear,
my legs–they feel like gravy!

The ceiling's caving in,
chairs are walking around.
I feel like I'm gonna fall,
but which way is the ground?

I think I'll stay in tonight–
I shouldn't be on the road.
So I'll just chill on the couch
and talk to this 3-eyed toad.

Monday, May 29, 2017

The Aliens Are Coming 3 (Alien Haiku)


More alien poems...
UF'Oh no you didn't!
Deal with it, humans.

This is the third video in my "The Aliens Are Coming" series, featuring narrated haiku poems about those little grey weirdos from space. This entry is narrated by agent "Albatross", a former CIA operative; his voice has been distorted to conceal his identity.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Cinco De Mayo: Where Mayonnaise Comes From


It's Cinco De Mayo, so here's a preview poem from my next book, More Lullabies For Goblins.

Where Mayonnaise Comes From

Where does mayonnaise come from?
I know where it does...
it comes from a creature called a Dromit:
it has white skin and purple fuzz.

It lives on the planet Mars–
they have farms of them all around
where they're kept in secret bases
deep in the underground.

Mucus is squeezed from their noses
with specialized, pressurized hoses...
then it's packaged in various ways
and labeled as "Mayonnaise."

So next time you eat a burger,
remember to thank the Dromit.
Hold your nose while scarfing it down,
and try your best not to vomit!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

UFO Thoughts: Today Is Darker


UFO Thoughts:
words out of the blue!
Not intended to rhyme,
but sometimes they do!

Today is darker; do you have any envelopes?

I ate a pie off the ground to celebrate!

It's a requirement, so pack your bags and head for the genuinely porked maple facility.

Gene trap! Hey, here's ta-claim?

...standard alliance. Always in the corner is a goat's head.

They will not understand an ivory pigeon, but food for thought!

1st place was "Assault On Cookieville."

You are part of a jump-fed cactus!

Never be a lever...ever!

When the world that already was...just because.

...the horses with a hand-held.

So, ate all the rice? Now pay the price!

You bring my notebook and my airlines fun!

There ain't no jellybeans on this side of the British Isles.

Have a great time at the minx refinery!

...to never be a cat bus. Wood lice?

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Donut Haiku


More haiku for you!
Still about greasy fast food –
but this time donuts!

Rise and shine with Donut Haiku: narrated zen poems inspired by those irresistibly greasy breakfast pastries.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Prepear Yourself: Exhibit 3


As "Prepear Yourself" month at the Pretentia art museum continues, we're proud to pearsent another sneak peek from the exhibit. Pearapsychology is a popular addition, focusing on the psychic abilities of the human mind as seen from a unique pearspective.

Pearafin is an interesting piece as well, featuring candles made out of a pear-based wax invented by the artist. And of course there's the crowd favorite, Pearasite, a genetically-engineered blood-sucking fruit terror from hell (let's just hope it doesn't escape).

Don't miss your chance to see the "Prepare Yourself" exhibit–it's the pearfect way to spend the weekend...but it's only on display until April 24th!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Metroid Genesis Anniversary!


23 years ago today, Super Metroid debuted on the Sega Genesis. It redefined the action/platformer genre with it's intuitive map system, exploratory gameplay, and the best usage of blast processing yet seen on a home console. Due to an overabundance of awesomeness, it utilized a 40 Meg cartridge which inflated the retail price to around $100...but nobody cared because it was freakin' sick!

GamePro magazine gave Super Metroid a respectable score of 82/100, but criticized its murky color palette and sub-par soundtrack. "It's a shame Super Metroid couldn't have debuted on slightly more powerful hardware," says GamePro editor Dexter Nerdsfeld. "Maybe then the music wouldn't have sounded like bees fighting in a tin can."

Despite pitiful sales figures and mediocre reviews from some outlets, Super Metroid is still recognized as a landmark title in the gaming industry–and certainly a must-own on the Genesis console. Metroid remains one of Sega's best-selling franchises to this day.

It's Cobblerin' Time!


When Thing has pie...IT'S COBBLERIN' TIME!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Prepear Yourself: Exhibit 2


Here we see a few highlights from the Prepear Yourself art exhibit. In addition to paintings and sculptures by the artist, a few other attractions are present...such as the Pearrot, a genetically-engineered creature made from the cells of a pear and a parrot. Genius!

The organism itself is a bit tempearamental, but is no doubt a breakthrough in genetic research. "How the artist FrOoT was able to produce a stable organism from fruit and bird cells is astounding," says geneticist Krueger Splicealot. "I observed the Pearrot myself, and can attest that it's a thriving, viable creature–it didn't explode or melt into an organic sludge one bit! Granted, it makes a mess defecating everywhere...and it ate my wife's finger when she tried to feed it, but that's art for you."

The Prepear Yourself exhibit is on display in Atlanta at the Pretentia museum until April 24.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Prepear Yourself: A Pair Of Pears!


A sensational new art exhibit is on display at the Pretentia art museum! Entitled Prepear Yourself, it features an array of paintings and sculptures created by internationally-renowned French artist, FrOoT. It's a spectacular display of high art inspired by dreams of a Pearallel universe.

Our own journalist, Natah Vejtible, sat down with FrOoT for an interview:

Natah: Thanks for being here today! I think the question on everyone's mind is, "Why pears?"

FrOoT: Of course. I had a dream one night about a pearallel universe where everything revolved around pears...so I got up and just started creating, you know?

Natah: What was the first work you created for this exhibit?

FrOoT:  My first work was A Pair Of Pears, a male and female pear made out of pear resin. I think it speaks volumes about the human condition–about how we're really all like fruit. We desperately claw for a meaningful relationship before we shrivel up and turn brown in the sun. Yet some of us just fall to the ground alone and get eaten by birds.

Natah: Uh, ok...I guess that makes sense. "Prepear Yourself" has currently been on a world tour display in 24 cities now! Did you expect to receive such a positive response for this exhibit?

FrOoT: I didn't, actually...but I'm very pleased with how people pearceive it! ;)

Natah: Haha, I see what you did there. Do you have a favorite sculpture or painting?

FrOoT: I think Pear Of Pants speaks to me the most. It's a commentary on the social and political status of the world today. Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time; we're all squishy and vulnerable to the forces of nature.

Natah: I think I get it, yeah. Well, thank you for your time!

FrOoT: You're welcome, it's been a pearleasure.

"Prepear Yourself" will be on display at the Pretentia museum in Atlanta, GA until April 24. It features 42 different works of art, a mini roller coaster, and a surprise pearamilitary ambush at the end. It's an exhibit beyond compear!

*Here's just a few of the many works on display:

• A Pair Of Pears (pear resin sculpture)                                    
• Pearadox (pear paste on canvas)                                      
• Peariodontitis (crayon on construction paper)
• Pearachute (pear resin sculpture, suspended by wire)
• Pearanoid (pear paste on canvas)
• Sepearate (macaroni on sandstone)
• Pear Of Pants (gastric acid on graham cracker)
• The Pearrot (organism made from pear/parrot cells)

*See promotional pamphlet for full list

Friday, March 17, 2017

The Sound Of French Fries 4


Fast food haiku time:
The Sound Of French Fries, part 4.
Drop in a fresh batch!

The 4th video in my "The Sound Of French Fries" video series, featuring narrated haiku poems about fast food. Mostly based on real-world experiences.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Friday, February 24, 2017

The Sandwich Under My Couch


There's a sandwich under my couch,
it's been there for a week.
The bread is turning green
and it's starting to reek.

I only took one bite
and decided that was enough...
so I slid it under my couch
with all my other stuff.

The stench intensifies
with each passing day,
but somehow I keep forgetting
to throw that sandwich away.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual sandwiches under couches is purely coincidental.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Valentine's Day Haiku


Valentine's haiku:
not really that romantic.
Cupid is stupid.

Another haiku video, this time about everyone's favorite corporate-created love holiday. Chintzy teddy bears, expensive chocolate strawberries, and chalky hearts–that's what it's all about. But don't let that stop you from gettin' it on.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Leftover Curry


In the fridge was some leftover curry;
it was so old it was furry.
But there's no need to worry,
'cause I threw it out in a hurry!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Zombie Zen 2 (Zombie Haiku)


Zombie Zen - Part 2!
More zombie poetry for
your juicy brain lobes!

The second video in my "Zombie Zen" series, featuring haiku about those shuffling brain-munchers.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Hair-ku: The Zen Of Balding 3


Time for more haiku:
The Zen Of Balding - part 3!
Listen up, chrome domes!

This is the third video in my "The Zen Of Balding" series, featuring narrated haiku poems about the follicly-challenged.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

UFO Thoughts: Hardcover Version


UFO Thoughts is now available in hardcover format for $24.99 (and also paperback for $11.99, of course). Check it out here.

Friday, January 13, 2017

FryDay The 13th: Scariest Fast Food Restaurants


FryDay the 13th:
thinking about french fries and
hockey-masked killers.

Here's my Top 5 list for Scariest Fast Food Restaurants:

1. KFC: They always get my order wrong; I think the employees are zombies.
2. Hardee's: Extremely slow, always understaffed.
3. Bojangles': Phantom menu items / overall just deserted and spooky.
4. Krystal: If you can find one it's probably filthy inside.
5. Dairy Queen: Undead franchise. How are they still alive?

Sunday, January 8, 2017

UFO Thoughts: This Planet Is A Salad


This planet is a salad best devoured!

And so, I screamed into the night, "Distilled meatloaf!"

...the day when the nagging pots arrive.

The moon has a bath toy, this time I'm sure of it!

Give this mom a cookie-dookie!

...the drugs were yellow.

A lampshade discount, but only for us travelers.

Did someone order this mannequin head? I tell ya, it just hasn't been my day.

A flying nose for certain, and the tentacles are often there too.

I'd say thank you for your fingertips!

Glad stars, I'll have you know! I witness them fading...slowly.

Wrong pen! Particles of freedom...but not here.

...dragon eel has spikes on it. Rooster time!

Anything's a wedding.

You are now a liquid; say goodbye to buffalos!

Just so you know, your football utensils will be confiscated.