Friday, July 8, 2016
NEWS FLASH! Mocha Sharks found in Garbucks coffee! May be responsible for "pink mush" incidents.
A new species of shark, dubbed the "Mocha Shark", has been found in some cups of Garbucks coffee. These microscopic maniacs have been identified as the cause of a series of odd incidents with people being melted into a pile of pink goo. When ingested, Mocha Sharks quickly devour the victim on a microbial level–leaving only clothing items and eyeballs behind.
Across the country, hipsters have been found in their loft apartments reduced to pink mush. Here's the account of a 24-year old Arizona resident, Cindy Watehver, who came home one night to find her boyfriend mysteriously dissolved: "So like, I came home from Whole Foods and found him basically melted...like you know, if you left a vinyl record in the sun? All that was left was his glasses, disc earrings, and beard. There was no explanation for it. I was like, that's really gross and stuff. So I let the police clean it up."
Investigations have revealed a common pattern among the victims...they all had terrible taste in music and had been drinking Garbucks' new Mega-Mad Mocha Shake on the day they expired. Forensic inspection of the victims showed that their tissue was swarming with tiny sharks. The creatures are previously unknown to science; their origin is also a mystery. Garbucks has issued a public apology and claims they're cooperating with authorities to resolve the matter.
Garbucks is a Nommos-owned company, and a popular coffee/samich hole among young people. They also sell fishing supplies and are famous for their catchy slogan, "Got Worms?"
WARNING: Garbucks patrons are urged to refrain from consuming the Mega-Mad Mocha Shake until further notice. If you suspect your coffee may have Mocha Sharks in it, DO NOT DRINK! Use as drain cleaner instead.