Kepler 420-MJ

Inhabitants of Earth may be surprised to find out that the cannabis plant they so revere actually originates from a different planet! Ongoing research of the Kepler telescope data has identified the culprit as a lush, tropical planet aptly named "Kepler 420-MJ." Trade between Earth and the indigenous peoples of 420-MJ has been taking place for thousands of years. According to top-secret intel, there are two sentient species native to the world: the Nommos and the Granites.

Planet Attributes:

Kepler 420-MJ was first discovered by researchers William Edmond and Edith Dorian in 2013 and is 25 light years away in the Thorus Hera Cretan system. It's about 75% the size of Earth, has 20% less gravity, and rotates around its sun the equivalent of every 420 Earth days. It's a completely tropical planet–there are no polar or arid regions. Hundreds of cannabis plant species are known to grow there to date, but only several have been successfully transplanted to Earth. Kepler 420-MJ has been dubbed by Hemp Nation magazine as a KOEI (Kepler Object of Extreme Interest).

Native Sentients:

The Nommos: Anthropomorphic and fish-like in appearance (ranging in height from 4-6 feet). Originally from the Sirius star system, the Nommos colonized Kepler 420-MJ a few thousand years ago...soon after that they met a race native to the planet–the Granites. The Granites introduced the Nommos to their traditions and thus a symbiotic relationship between the two races was forged.

The Granites: Small, silicon-based creatures that resemble living mineral deposits (usually around 2-3 feet tall). They're not as technologically advanced as the Nommos, but they make up for it in business savvy. Their ability to find uses for cannabis is impeccable...almost all hemp products in use today were conceived by them. They originally hooked the Nommos on pot with their infamous "first one's free" technique.

Fun Facts:

• Due to a thick cloud layer, early observations of Kepler 420-MJ led astronomers to believe it was a gaseous planet. However, it was later determined the clouds were actually large plumes of smoke–a product of mass THC consumption.

• Kepler 420-MJ has an artificial ring around it. It's made of Funions– they're sent into orbit to cook in the sun and are later cultivated with large cargo ships. Hey, how else are you gonna satisfy an entire planet with the munchies?

• Reeforia, the largest continent on Kepler 420-MJ, was terra-formed to look like the planet's primary export. You know what I'm talking about. Groovy!

• Reports of cigar and bong-shaped UFOs on Earth are without a doubt sightings of ships from Kepler 420-MJ.

• The SETI "Whoa!" signal received in 1977 was recently determined to be from Kepler 420-MJ. There was a binary message in the broadcast which was translated as "Legalize It."

Terminology:

• The term "smoking like a fish" has its roots with the Dogon tribe in West Africa. The phrase was coined after watching the Nommos visitors smoke pot all day.

• After numerous visits by the Granites peddling marijuana on Earth, the Mayans began to refer to consuming the substance as "getting stoned" because of their suppliers' rock-like appearance.

• The Navajo indians referred to smoking marijuana as "getting high" because it comes from a land above.

Facets Of Club Sandwich

What does "club sandwich" mean? Let us ponder. There are many facets of club sandwich: There's the traditional club sandwich itself (who knows why they call it that), but then a dancing sandwich in a night club is also a "club sandwich."

If you were to whop someone on the head with a stale sandwich, you're using a sandwich as a club–thus creating another facet of club sandwich (or it could be an actual club fashioned to look like a sandwich). Or you could club a sandwich flat with a club, making it a "clubbed sandwich." You could also club that sandwich with your sandwich club for even more pun fun!

Perhaps somewhere there's a group of witches that get together and think of different sandwiches to make. That would be a sandwich club for witches, which would probably be named "Club Sandwitch."

The possibilities are endless!

The Aliens Are Coming 2 (Alien Haiku)

Behold, Earthings...it's

another video of

alien haiku!

Would aliens read haiku? Who knows, who cares? Anyway, here's another video about them.

The Sound Of French Fries 2

Well, fry my nuggets–

it's fast food haiku, part 2!

Fire up the grease pit!

This is my second "The Sound Of French Fries" video, featuring haiku poems about fast food. Inspired by real experiences at fast food restaurants.

You Might Be A Splorbo If...

 

Zeff Voxwordy is the most famous comedian in this galactic quadrant! He's written numerous holo-tomes, performed in both high and low gravity, and hosted "Are You More Cerebral Than A Zrith Gourder?" He now presents his newest comedy routine, "You Might Be A Splorbo If..." and it has the known universe in stitches. Are you a Splorbo? It's time to find out!

 

You might be a Splorbo if...

 

1. You lose control of your nexxle gland and attack your friends.

2. Your blorch collapses and kills more than one litter of skreps.

3. The liquid methane punch is over-belked but you can metabolize it.

4. Your idea of a good dimensional warp is obtaining Screedon gear!

5. There's a poorly-maintained Drek Zarbler on your vacation moon.

6. You dye your lawn blue once a week...even if you have a pet xrookle.

7. When you were a larva you had your birthday parties at Bleebleks.

8. You think "spending creb" means glechifying and nepping a spreg!

9. You zorg bladders fill up but you can't rise to the Mekosphere.

10. Your species has 3 sexes and you never receive a Flobbergatter!

 

Here's what the critics have to say about Zeff's new act:

 

"It had me slapping all 6 of my knees" - The Arachnidragon, supreme ruler of Ordan

 

"So funny that I deflated 4 of my air bladders and fell into the lower atmosphere!" - Jiloridar Bleeip, leader of the Mexar Plion Cult

 

"I blew sulfuric acid out of every head orifice!" - Hegle A. Dremilin, housemite of Kruge Stelblan

The Crêped Crusader