Giraffe Necks Be So Long

Stop being so long, giraffe necks. You're doin' it wrong.

Larva Lamp!

Hippies unite! It's the official Larva Lamp! Available for the first time to Earthlings, it's THE original psychedelic light source! Bask in the trippy glow of the Neptunian Ice Beetle as it squirms in its cryotube. Marvel as it morphs through every grotesque larval stage–eventually emerging as an unstoppable minion of chaos! Incubation takes a few Earth years, so sit back and enjoy the groovy colors until then (LSD not included).

Neptunian Ice Beetles are ferocious but loyal. Feed it a steady diet of Earth rats twice a day and it'll become a fierce friend to be reckoned with! Upon reaching adulthood, it'll need at least a 10 mile radius to roam around in and a few cows a day for sustenance…but that's your problem, so we don't care. All hail Blorktahr, overlord of superior products! End transmission!

Always Use Impact Font

Don't be a rebel. Always use Impact for your memes…or else.

Sick Of Memes

But, but…Impact comes with every font pack and it's easy to read!

New Bumper Stickers: May 2015

I put up a few more bumper stickers / magnets on my CafePress site. Check out these wacky designs and more at the usual spot: www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Wendy's Quantum Nugget Theory

Fun Fact: Did you know Wendy's chicken nuggets shrivel after being under a heat lamp for a few hours? Instead of just becoming stale and hard (like most fast food nuggets), the Wendy's chicken nugget has been known to actually shrink; they also taste more like turkey over time. Scientists are baffled.

So why do Wendy's chicken nuggets shrink and taste like turkey? A study performed by physicist and ex-restaurater Henry Rouster may have the explanation: He writes,"It appears that Wendy's chicken nuggets do indeed shrink over time, and after microscopic analysis, there's a clue as to why. Wendy's nuggets possess what we call Quantum Poultry Particles that pass them through space-time when exposed to a low, steady heat source (like that of a heat lamp). Essentially, this accelerates their aging process. To put it simply, Wendy's nuggets are time travelers. However, we don't yet know why they taste like turkey. Further examination is needed."

In 2013 the FDA contacted Pilgrim's Pride, the supplier of Wendy's chicken nuggets, to see what they had to say on the matter. They declined to comment about their nuggets' anomalous properties, but assured the public that they're safe for human consumption.

Mr. Potato Dead

After becoming addicted to Lay's Potato Chips, Mr. Potato Head went on a rampage attacking grocery stores across the city. In a zombie-like craze, he devoured every bag of potato chips in sight…and when they ran out he began to feed upon his fellow potato folk.

The screams of veggiecide echoed through the streets, and soon the authorities were alerted. Following the trail of a hundred half-eaten potato people, they found Mr. Potato Head in a gas station–growling and chewing on his own arm. He lunged at the cops but was taken out by a well-placed RPG. In a glorious explosion of yellow juice and potato chunks, Mr. Potato Head was no more.

The incident was over, but how many more potato citizens would succumb to the forbidden allure of Lay's Potato Chips?