Haiku For Slugs

  

My next project will be Haiku For Slugs, a book of humorous short phrases poking fun at traditional Japanese zen poetry. While there are many schools of thought on exactly what form "true haiku" should take, I'm going to stick to the 5-7-5 format for this one. Only the first section will focus on slugs–the rest will be on various other subjects such as Bigfoot and UFOs. Stay tuned for further info.

UFO Thoughts

Have you ever forgotten your own language? I did once while watching the news and everything sounded ridiculous.

The next time you're holding a pencil, take a long look at the eraser. Do you think a whole alternate universe could reside in there, being rubbed away every time you make a mistake on paper?

I lost my socks. Remember, the scones will be ready at 7:00 AM sharp.

Whenever you want your house to smell like Sears, just turn on the vacuum cleaner.

Fun Fact: Invisible koala bears usually breathe fire.

Aliens kept peering in my windows last night. They had bean-shaped heads and looked like they were talking...but no words ever came out.

Wig salesmen congregate around large aqueducts. It's best to take them out with a sniper rifle before they morph into dragons.

Don't stare at invertebrates. Also, they prefer to be called "backbone impaired".

Fat Pie / Ill Will Press

Just figured I'd take some time to promote one of my favorite comedy websites: Fat-Pie.com. There you can find lots of different hilarious videos by David Firth, most famous for his Salad Fingers, Burnt Face Man, Spoilsbury Toast Boy, and Drillbit Head series. I've found his stuff to be quite funny in a random and insane sort of way. Even though many of these shorts feature simplistic animation, the content can be rather explicit and dark...so you've been warned.

Also, check out Ill Will Press.com for more hilarious videos by Jonathan Ian Mathers. You may have seen his work featuring Foamy The Squirrel before (officially called "Neurotically Yours"), so here's his official website. He also does still comics and a couple of other funny projects. Check 'em out.

The Sandwich Under My Bed

I once went to someone's house and found a plate with a half-eaten sandwich under their bed. Were they too lazy to throw it out for some reason? Wouldn't it stink up the place eventually? Whatever...here's a poem about it.

The Sandwich Under My Bed

There's a sandwich under my bed--
it's been there for a week.
The bread is turning green,
and it's starting to reek.

I had taken just one bite,
and decided it was enough...
so I slid it under my bed
with all my other stuff.

The smell intensifies
with each passing day,
but somehow I keep forgetting
to throw that sandwich away.

The Wrong Burrito

The following short poem is based on a true story. A friend of mine was once given the wrong type of burrito with his to-go order at a fast food restaurant. He got all the way home before he found out, so he threw it against the wall in anger...where it remained for several minutes before sliding off.

The Wrong Burrito

They gave me the wrong burrito
at the Taco Shack.
I found out when I got home,
so I didn't take it back.

I tried to throw it in the trash
but my aiming was askew--
so now it's sliding down the wall,
leaving a trail of goo.

Lullabies For Goblins Price Drop

The paperback version of Lullabies For Goblins is now only $9.99 at Blurb.com. The hardcover dust-jacket version will remain at $24.99, however...as the base price for hardcovers is much higher. That's just how it is with print-on-demand books.

Shot Glasses Now Available

Drop shots 'til you barf with these 1.9 oz ceramic shot glasses, now available at my CafePress shop. They come in two colors: full white or white with black interior. Only several designs are available at the moment, but I'll be adding more soon. Check 'em out at http://www.cafepress.com/goblinsden.

Blob Fish Prayer

Perhaps you've seen the photo equivalent of this drawing floating around the web. It's a dead blob fish (Psychrolutes Marcidus), a real fish that lives in deep waters off the coast of Australia and Tasmania. Since it's been the victim of rampant Photoshopping, I figured it's time to pay our respects.

Blob Fish Prayer

Let's say a prayer
for our blob fish friend:
We hope you felt no pain
when you met your end.

As your spirit ascends
and your body deflates,
may heaven accept you
into it's pearly gates.

Amen...or Afish. Whichever you prefer.

Waffle House Wisdom: Part 2

Return for more training, have you? Remember these ways of the Waffle House, youngling...and ready to order from the adult menu, you will be.

"The Waffle House is everywhere. In the corners, in the shopping centers, off the highway exits...search but a mile and find one you will."

"Judge bacon by it's size, do you? Shrivel it does, during cooking."

"Chicken strips? French fries? A Waffle House customer cares not for these things, for they are the path to Huddle House."

"Covered in crumbs, the tables are. Wipe them yourself, you must...unless swatting flies you like."

"May the forks be with you. Clean forks we are hoping for, yes?"

"Tainted are Waffle House bathrooms. If #2 you must go, a butt cover on the toilet seat create."

"Diminished our ability to smoke has become. Even the older, fatter Waffle House employees must now go outside to light up."

Waffle House Wisdom: Part 1

Here's a few nuggets of wisdom from Waffle House to ponder upon. Who better to teach you the ways of the Wa'-Ho' than a wrinkled goblin puppet?

"Once you set foot inside of Waffle House, forever will it dominate your destiny."

"Grill or grill not...there is no fry!"

"Tasty is the dark waffle. Order it with chocolate chips, you must."

"Hunger is the path to Waffle House. Hunger leads to hash browns. Hash browns lead to acid burps. Acid burps lead to vomiting."

"Ask not for a straw, for there are none."

"Be mindful of expired ketchup. The labels on the bottle betray you."

"Loiter all night at Steak 'N Shake, do not. Waffle House, that is for."

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House

Here's a short poem about Waffle House. I think anyone who's spent a significant amount of time there will find these words ring true. I dedicate this poem to anyone who wanted a straw for their drink, but couldn't find any.

Awful House: An Ode To Waffle House

Oh Waffle House,
how thou art filthy;
a fog of awfulness
lingers upon thee.

When I enter thy door,
my lungs compress--
and I feel my skin
slowly wrinkling.

Thou possess the stench
of onions most foul,
and thy floor is
permanently sticky.

Thy tables are covered
with the sandwich crumbs
and cigarette ashes
of days gone by.

Thy food is greasy--
crashing through my bowels
like a midnight train
derailed.

Sanitation? Nay!
Thy employees care not for gloves--
nor for washing
dirty cups and plates!

Yet still I partake
of thy waffles and bacon...
though I dare not observe
the preparation.

And thy customers
are a dreadful brethren;
they guzzle coffee for hours
whilst babbling nonsense.

Theirs is a world
of smoke and lies;
the drama they spread
is akin to disease.

Haunt me no more,
bathrooms without soap
and mustard-stained forks
that pass for "clean"!

Goodbye Waffle House,
I must retire to my abode
and take a shower...
for I feel tainted by thee.

Ham For Change

Several years ago I went to Waffle House and was given a piece of ham back with my change from the cashier. It was a sizable piece, which makes me wonder how she didn't know it was in her hand. Sometimes mind-boggling things happen at that place. Here's a poem I wrote about the situation...

Ham For Change

How much is a piece of ham?
It must be worth something, oh ma'am.
That piece, that piece,
that piece of ham.

You gave me it with my change...
and I find it rather strange
that you'd give me a piece of ham
if it's worth nothing, oh ma'am.

A nickel?
A dime?
A quarter, or more?
Of what value is the ham, oh ma'am?
What did you give me it for?

It's sitting here in my hand
and I just don't understand--
I find it so very strange
that you gave me ham for change.

Introduction / My Websites

As this is my first blog post on this site, I figured I'd start things off with an introduction. My name is Ted Del Prato and I'm working on several projects that involve writing and illustration. I have a book that I've self-published at Blurb.com called Lullabies For Goblins. It's a collection of 20 humorous poems with black and white illustrations--if you like dark humor books like Tim Burton's The Melancholy Death Of Oyster Boy and Andy Riley's Bunny Suicide books, it might just be your kind of thing. Click on this link to check it out.

In addition, I have a CafePress website where I sell bumper stickers, magnets, shot glasses, and other related gift items. My URL for that site is http://www.cafepress.com/goblinsden. To help further promote my products, I've got a Squidoo.com account that features a lens on each type of item I'm selling.

This blog site will also be an outlet for other things I come up with...such as poems, jokes, and random thoughts. I'll try to work in some previews of the projects I'm working on as well. Thanks for visiting, and stay tuned for more.